Really bad jokes

[Jasonw560]

Okay, I have two.

A priest, minister, and a televangelist were all talking about how they distribute their offerings at church.

The priest says, "I have a circle painted in the rectory. I pray, throw the collection plates up, and whatever land inside the circle is God's, and outside is mine."

The minister says, "Wow, I do about the same thing. I have a line painted in the parsonage, and stand on one side. I pray, throw the collection plates up, and whatever lands on my side, I keep,and on the other side, God keeps."

The televangelist says, "That is uncanny. What I do is stand outside.I pray, and throw the collection plates up. Whatever stays in the air is God's, and whatever lands is mine."

_________________________________________________________

A frog walks into a bank needing a loan. The loan officer, Ms. P. Whack, asks the frog if he has any collateral for the loan.

"What is collateral?" asks the frog.

"Well," Ms. Whack says, "It's anything of value we can put up against the loan and we can have in case you can't pay back the loan."

"Um..."says the frog. "I do have a very rare Hummel figurine."

"Gosh," says Ms. Whack. "I don't know what that is. Let me call the bank manager over and see what he says about it."

The bank manager comes over, and she says, "This frog needs a loan, but all he has for collateral is a rare Hummel figurine, and I don't know what that is."

The bank manager looks at her, sighs, and says.................................................................................................
















"It's a nick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

[WildBill]

"It's a nick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

[RPB]

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral

[Dave2]

This is an actual conversation I had with a friend of mine about a song that Norah Jones sings.

Me: It's one of my favorite songs of her's. Well, not really her song, but she sang it.
Friend: Yeah, she's a great voice. Hard to believe that she turned out gay.
Me: Wait, Norah Jones is a lesbian?
Friend: No... That's why it's so hard to believe.

My conversations with said friend usually end up with me alternating between and .

[Jasonw560]

"It's a nick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal...

[WildBill]

Super Bowl

"No, they're all at the funeral"

I could see this actually happening.

[RPB]

Gertrude's car was pelted in a driving hailstorm one night, resulting in hundreds of dents. The next day she visits a body shop to get it fixed. The repairman figures he'll have a little fun with her and tells Gertrude all she has to do is blow into the exhaust pipe really hard and the dents will pop out.
Gertrude goes home and blows furiously into the tailpipe. When her roommate asks what Gertrude's doing, she explains what the repairman advised her to do. "But it doesn't work," she says.
"Hellooo," says her roommate. "You gotta roll up the windows first."


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

[surprise_i'm_armed]

Q. Do you know why you'd never starve to death in a desert?
A. Because of all the sand which is there. (say this fast)
***********************************
Q. Do you know how marriage is like a game of cards?
A. You start off with 2 hearts and a diamond,
but by the time you get through you want a club and a spade.
**********************************
A man is talking to God and asks "why did you make women
so beautiful?"
God replies: So that you'll love them!
Man: But why did you make women so stupid?
God: So that they'll love you!
*************************************
A man walks into the grocery store and finds a blond
woman staring at the orange juice intently.
He: What are you doing?
Blonde, pointing at the OJ: It says "concentrate".
*************************************
A man is shopping for a Corvette and finds a curent year
model in great condition for only $100.
He zooms over to the house and buys it from the lady for $100.
It was perfect. He asks her "Why did you sell me this perfect
Corvette for only $100?"
She: My husband ran away with his secretary to Florida and he
told me to sell the car and send him the money!
*********************************************************
2 Alabama friends were avid fishermen and they had fished
every stretch of water in their state. They speculated on what kind
of unique fishing they could do, and hit upon driving up to Minnesota
in the middle of winter to do some of that there ice fishing.
They got up to Minnie-sota when the temperature was +10 degrees,
stopped in to the local bait shop, bought some bait and icepicks,
and left.
Several hours later they came back to the bait shop.
Clerk: So, have you boys caught anything yet?
Alabaman: Heck, no, we haven't even got the boat in the lake yet!!
****************************************
SIA

[WildBill]

A couple of months ago at work, we had a "Wear Your School Colors" theme for our casual dress on Friday. Of course, I just wore my normal clothes. When I was asked about it, I told them when I went to school we didn't have school colors -
Everything was still in Black & White.

[BobCat]

Dated humor I found on my computer...


Subject: War Planning


Date: Sat, 2 Feb 2002

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart guy?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[Divided Attention]

I know I am gonna catch heck from those of my gender, but if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at!?

Joke of the Day: 2 women were sitting quietly together minding their own business

[USA1]

Joke of the Day: 2 women were sitting quietly together minding their own business

[7075-T7]

She said, 'Aye - Ye will be when the tide comes in.'

What name to you give to a surfer with no arms and no legs?

Bob.
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A 747 was flying along and was full of Polish people. As they were going past some beautiful landmarks, the pilot came over the intercom and instructed all who were interested in seeing the landmark to look out the right side of the plane. Many passengers did so, and the plane promply crashed. Why?

Too many poles in the right hand plane.
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said, " Never."
The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
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I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

[RPB]

How are you today?
Well, when I woke up, I was next to perfect.

Yeah? You were "next to perfect" earlier, but not now?
Nah, I got up, but she's still in bed.

[puma guy]

One night a guy walks into a TV repair shop and when the owner asks him "Can I help your?", the fellow responds, "I think I'm a moth." The owner, confused says " Why did you come in here you need a psychiatrist!" The guy says, "Your light was on."