How do I make my wife comfortable?

[Lifeguarddude]

I was in a similar boat, my wife was against cc up until recently. She was at work, taking out the trash before going home (10:00 pm) and when she closed the dumpster a man walked towards her from behind the shed with the dumpsters. She ran inside, locked the door, set the alarm...and called me. I wish she called the cops first.

15 min. later I arrive, found out the guy left on his own...I think he was just doing drugs back there...who knows.

In her words: "that was the longest 15 min. of my life! If he had other intentions I don't know what I would have done."

We are currently in CA, so neither of us can carry, and THANK GOD that she was ok. This incedent caused us to talk about her personal safety as well as our future children's.

Being military I will deploy, so she may have to deal with the bumps in the night...took this incedent for her to see that.

She is now looking at CHL, pepperspray, and S/D courses for her. Once we PCS to El Paso, a CHL class is #1 on the to-do list.

Hope this story helps, but I pray it never happens to anyone or their loved ones.

[Divided Attention]

If I; being one of the same gender as your wife, could express an opinion.

Have you asked her? What are her reservations for sure? Males and Females are wired so differently, please don't try to second guess her discomfort.

If her discomfort is around her or your use or proficiency, what about a defense outside the home course for the both of you? What about talking through some scenarios with her?

I guess the biggest point I am trying to get out is Ask some questions and listen, really listen to the answers. Sometimes us gals just need to vent. We don't necessarily want you to fix it for us, just listen and be a sounding board and our partner in this amazing life we share with you guys.

JMPHO

[RPB]

If I; being one of the same gender as your wife, could express an opinion.

Have you asked her? What are her reservations for sure? Males and Females are wired so differently, please don't try to second guess her discomfort.

If her discomfort is around her or your use or proficiency, what about a defense outside the home course for the both of you? What about talking through some scenarios with her?

I guess the biggest point I am trying to get out is Ask some questions and listen, really listen to the answers. Sometimes us gals just need to vent. We don't necessarily want you to fix it for us, just listen and be a sounding board and our partner in this amazing life we share with you guys.

JMPHO

Hey I heard this before once when I was listening

So maybe it's true ... thanks for the reminder

I'll still never understand "shopping" trying on dresses for 5 hours, not buying anything, and enjoying it ....

[Divided Attention]

[I'll still never understand "shopping" trying on dresses for 5 hours, not buying anything, and enjoying it ....

Me neither, but I can spend 2 hours trying on pistols and get lost in feed stores for quite a while looking at tack and the like and come home with nothing but the memory of the feel of a nicely balanced weapon in my hand and the amazing smell of new leather and alfalfa !

[pbwalker]

[I'll still never understand "shopping" trying on dresses for 5 hours, not buying anything, and enjoying it ....

Me neither, but I can spend 2 hours trying on pistols and get lost in feed stores for quite a while looking at tack and the like and come home with nothing but the memory of the feel of a nicely balanced weapon in my hand and the amazing smell of new leather and alfalfa !

Whoa...you sound just like my wife! She hates shopping, but get her in a Tractor Supply or Cavenders and she's in her element. I love it...

Me: "Hey sweetie...want to go check out some holsters?"
Her: "Heck yeah!"

God bless Texas women!

[srothstein]

[I'll still never understand "shopping" trying on dresses for 5 hours, not buying anything, and enjoying it ....

Me neither, but I can spend 2 hours trying on pistols and get lost in feed stores for quite a while looking at tack and the like and come home with nothing but the memory of the feel of a nicely balanced weapon in my hand and the amazing smell of new leather and alfalfa !

I don't know. Every time I do that I come home with a strong desire to go out and buy the pistol (or saddle) next time out. It can be hard to resist after the second or third time looking.

But I wanted to say I agreed with your earlier post also. Talking with the spouse to find out why she is worried is the first step. Then letting her decide how, or even if, she wants to work through the issue is second.

[MasterOfNone]

If I; being one of the same gender as your wife, could express an opinion.

Have you asked her? What are her reservations for sure? Males and Females are wired so differently, please don't try to second guess her discomfort.

If her discomfort is around her or your use or proficiency, what about a defense outside the home course for the both of you? What about talking through some scenarios with her?

I guess the biggest point I am trying to get out is Ask some questions and listen, really listen to the answers. Sometimes us gals just need to vent. We don't necessarily want you to fix it for us, just listen and be a sounding board and our partner in this amazing life we share with you guys.

JMPHO

Just keep in mind that even after you ask and she responds, you may still have no clue what the issue is.

[Oldgringo]

I'm not married and I haven't had to do this yet. However, if you want my advise.

I wouldn't try to prove her wrong or change her point of view. In whatever words work best for you. Tell her simply that you respect her opinions and you will continue to do anything possible to help calm the issue for her. However, you feel responsible for her and your own safety. Because you love her and you want to continue to be in this world and spend time with her, you feel you must be prepared to provide this safety.

She doesn't need to be convinced that everything is perfect. Just that some things need to be done to prepare and secure things in life. And because the world is the way it is today, and not perfect. You could/would only blame yourself if something happened and you didn't do what you could to be prepared.

-- Thats how I plan to go about it when the time comes. I know it doesn't use math to say hey look its not a big deal. But I think it gets my real point across.

So, when do you expect to get married?

[rmr1923]

Honestly, it may take her being in a situation where she wishes she had one. Wish that wasn't the case, but sometimes nothing else will do.

sad to say but sometimes this really is the case. we had an ordeal about a year ago where this guy was stalking my wife, even tried to kick down the front door one day when she was home from work and i wasn't there. every time we walked outside of the house (to walk to the car, check the mail, take the dogs out, go for a walk, etc) she was paranoid that this lunatic would be there. the cops eventually caught up to him and he's in prison now for various other crimes, but ever since that happened she's actually insisted that i get my CHL and is considering getting one herself. at first she was VERY uncomfortable around guns, i got her out at her parents' house (in the country) to do some target shooting just to get her comfortable with how a gun functions and how to properly use it. i even broke it down and showed her the different components and described in detail how a gun works. i guess she didn't really understand them very much and just assumed that they could fire at any time like a bomb waiting to go off. it wasn't until after i educated her on how they work, and stressed to her that they're nothing more than a tool, that she became more comfortable around them. she still insisted that i get her a gun with an external safety, so she keeps a Beretta PX4 Storm 9mm subcompact in her center console. she's planning on getting her CHL but isn't quite ready yet. i need to get her a little more proficient at the range before i sign her up for a class.

[Crossfire]

i need to get her a little more proficient at the range before i sign her up for a class.

A wise man does not try to teach his own wife how to shoot.

You are in the Houston area? You need to call up CompVest. She is one of the best pistol instructors ANYWHERE, just happens to also be a lady, is a champion IDPA shooter, charges a whole lot less than her time is worth, AND is in your area. What could possibly be better than that????

[pcgizzmo]

If I; being one of the same gender as your wife, could express an opinion.

Have you asked her? What are her reservations for sure? Males and Females are wired so differently, please don't try to second guess her discomfort.

If her discomfort is around her or your use or proficiency, what about a defense outside the home course for the both of you? What about talking through some scenarios with her?

I guess the biggest point I am trying to get out is Ask some questions and listen, really listen to the answers. Sometimes us gals just need to vent. We don't necessarily want you to fix it for us, just listen and be a sounding board and our partner in this amazing life we share with you guys.

JMPHO

Yes, I need to do this. Thanks. Also, I REALLY think it's cool you like guns, the smell of alfalfa and riding gear. I have this friend who likes to play online games and his wife does also. It's cool for us guys when the ladies like to do some of the same things we like.

[SewTexas]

if she just doesn't understand how the gun works, show her a revolver, plain and simple...that worked for me.

I wasn't a 'gun gal' till we moved to the country...my husband had guns, but it was his thing...when we moved to the country and I was alone with our kids during the day and if he went out of town...well, that was a whole other thing...I knew I had to be able to protect our babies.

Only you know your wife, many women will respond to a combination of facts and emotions, others...only emotions...very few, only facts. You can discuss response times, local crimes, national shootings, etc, but if she is dwelling on old memories she has to make a personal and conscious decision to move past it and not be afraid, so a class or time at the range may be a good idea......(at least that's how it worked for me, but I was a teen and we're not talking about me, but I'm obviously not afraid of guns anymore)

[drjoker]

If your wife is like mine and all the other wives mentioned on this forum in past similar discussions, I guarantee you that no logical discussion will ever persuade her. She has to "feel" safe and comfortable around guns.

From your post, I take it that you're a CHL. Remember when you first said, "I love you," to her? Yes, you love her, but she had to hear you say it in order to feel it. Yes, you're a responsible gun owner, but you need to let her know how responsible you are. For example, next time you go out together and you both sit in a restaurant looking over your menus, tell her how you'd like a beer, but you're going to pass because you're carrying a gun. Yes, I know you're responsible, but if you just think it and not order a drink without vocalizing it, she won't feel it.

When you put your gun in the safe after you get home, let her know, "Honey, I'm putting my gun in here for SAFEty. You remember the combination is XXXX, right?"

One time, I was visiting a friend who lives in an apartment in a bad neighborhood. I made a pit stop at my father's house to pick up a gun. She saw me holster a 22lr revolver. "Why the little gun?" she asked. "So we can be SAFE and not accidentally shoot through the paper thin apartment drywall and hit the neighbors." Notice how I always throw in the word "safe" in the sentence. She smiled and nodded.

Anyways, my wife was totally anti-gun, at first. I don't have any guns at home. I've been working on her for awhile and recently, she said that she's willing to reconsider if I meet certain conditions. It's too long a list for me to mention here, but one of the conditions is that I keep a "smart gun" for HD if I want to keep a gun at home for HD. The only "smart gun" on the market is a full size 1911. I hate the idea of that safety switch getting in the way of the quick draw. Ugh. Plus, I have never shot a 1911 before. So, I'll have to borrow someone else's 1911 to squeeze off a couple of rounds before I decide to buy one (or not). Trouble is, I don't know anyone who owns a 1911. Double ugh. Finally, I am skeptical of the "smart gun". What if the identification mechanism on the "smart gun" fails? Then, it'll just be a big 1911 shaped paper weight. Triple ugh. I think I'll work on her other conditions first and hope that she'll change her mind and allow a Glock later....

Yes, what MrsChemist45 says below is very true. My wife only warmed up a little toward guns AFTER I took her shooting. You may have to bargain with her to get her to go shooting with you the first time. I had to wash dishes, do laundry, and cook for a week. Ugh.

What Excaliber says below is also true. No "smart" gun is truly "smart". Only YOU can be "smart". I don't know anybody who has a "smart" gun. I wonder if they're any good? Smart gun: http://www.smartlock.com/smartgun_detail-r.htm

[Excaliber]

If your wife is like mine and all the other wives mentioned on this forum in past similar discussions, I guarantee you that no logical discussion will ever persuade her. She has to "feel" safe and comfortable around guns.

From your post, I take it that you're a CHL. Remember when you first said, "I love you," to her? Yes, you love her, but she had to hear you say it in order to feel it. Yes, you're a responsible gun owner, but you need to let her know how responsible you are. For example, next time you go out together and you both sit in a restaurant looking over your menus, tell her how you'd like a beer, but you're going to pass because you're carrying a gun. Yes, I know you're responsible, but if you just think it and not order a drink without vocalizing it, she won't feel it.

When you put your gun in the safe after you get home, let her know, "Honey, I'm putting my gun in here for SAFEty. You remember the combination is XXXX, right?"

One time, I was visiting a friend who lives in an apartment in a bad neighborhood. I made a pit stop at my father's house to pick up a gun. She saw me holster a 22lr revolver. "Why the little gun?" she asked. "So we can be SAFE and not accidentally shoot through the paper thin apartment drywall and hit the neighbors." Notice how I always throw in the word "safe" in the sentence. She smiled and nodded.

Anyways, my wife was totally anti-gun, at first. I don't have any guns at home. I've been working on her for awhile and recently, she said that she's willing to reconsider if I meet certain conditions. It's too long a list for me to mention here, but one of the conditions is that I keep a "smart gun" for HD if I want to keep a gun at home for HD. The only "smart gun" on the market is a full size 1911. I hate the idea of that safety switch getting in the way of the quick draw. Ugh. Plus, I have never shot a 1911 before. So, I'll have to borrow someone else's 1911 to squeeze off a couple of rounds before I decide to buy one (or not). Trouble is, I don't know anyone who owns a 1911. Double ugh. Finally, I am skeptical of the "smart gun". What if the identification mechanism on the "smart gun" fails? Then, it'll just be a big 1911 shaped paper weight. Triple ugh. I think I'll work on her other conditions first and hope that she'll change her mind and allow a Glock later....

Smart guns exist only in the fantasies of the leftstream media. A gun, no matter how complex or how many interruption mechanisms it has in its operation sequence, contains no intelligence whatsoever. It mechanically (or electrically or electronically) responds as designed to operator input - intentional or not.

The operator is either smart .... or not. The safety mechanism is between his or her left ear and right.

[LikesShinyThings]

I agree with several previous posts:
- talk to her and find out what her real concerns are
- if she hasn't shot before, give her the in-home lesson of how a gun operates, then get her to a range and have her actually SHOOT. She might decide she loves it. (A lot of women fear guns mostly out of not knowing/understanding them.)

And one thing I haven't seen, maybe for your own benefit as much as allaying her fears: I just googled "why I carry". There were some fluff hits, but there were also some good blogs in the list (scalpel or sword had one that looked kinda good, but I didn't read it thru yet). I was looking for an online copy of the doc I received a bunch of years ago, but couldn't find that specific one. Anyway, these give good food for thought, and if your wife is inclined to it they can also give good starting points for a discussion.

FWIW, before I started carrying, even though I had been a sporadic shooter for several years, I still was a bit nervous about the idea of carrying a loaded gun. Silly, I know, but I was just afraid that I would somehow accidentally "set it off". In fact, once I got my first CHL, I couldn't bring myself to carry with a round in the chamber for quite some time - I just didn't feel comfortable with it. But after a few years (yes, it really was that long) of carrying sometimes, and then with an empty chamber, I got to KNOW that the gun would not trigger all by itself. Now I'm carrying properly - chambered, cocked and locked (if carrying my Colt w/ external safety) or just chambered and ready to go (if carrying my Kahr).

I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes familiarity is necessary to overcome irrational fears/concerns. And sometimes that familiarity only comes from actual experience. Any chance you could get her to carry a gun around the house? Just for practice, to learn how they *don't* just shoot themselves? This, of course, is reasonable only if she is knowledgeable enough about guns to be safe with one, and if her concern is based in lack of familiarity.

Just a thought based on a personal experience.