Really bad jokes

[Ropin]

This feller walks into a bar with a giraffe. The giraffe proceeds to stretch out on the floor and go to sleep.

The bartender comes out from the cooler and asks his customer, "Hey...what's that lying on the floor there?"

Customer says, "Eh...that's no lion, that's a giraffe."

[WildBill]

Customer says, "Eh...that's no lion, that's a giraffe."

That's really bad.

[Warhammer]

The 100 MPH Goat

Two Tennessee good 'ol boys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and counted one, and two and three, and threw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Warhammer]

Texas Declares War on the USA.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This
is Archie, down here at Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas. I am callin' to tell y'all that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed, "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Warhammer]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[BobCat]

One day a snail crawled into a Pontiac dealership and started looking at the Formula 400 Firebird on display there. He crawled slowly all around it, even under it, and finally over to a salesman's desk.

"I want to buy that car" he said, producing a wad of bills, "but I want you to do one thing extra to it."

The salesman was quite suprized that a snail would want such a fast, flashy car - and have the money to buy it - but on second thought maybe it was understandable...

"Well, of course. And what is the extra? Whatever it is, I'm sure we can accommodate you" he answered.

The snail told the salesman that he he wanted a large capital "S" painted on each door, as well as on the roof of the car. The salesman agreed, the car was taken into the paintshop, the paperwork was done, and the money paid. As the snail was about to get into the car and drive off, the salesman was overcome with curiosity.

"Excuse me," he said, "but what is the significance of the letter "S"? Is it for Snail?"

To which the snail answered, "No, not at all. All my life I've been a lowly snail, crawling along on the ground - a symbol of plodding, plebian, slow, ordinary life. But now, when I go zooming through traffic, passing everyone, I want them to really notice me, admire me, and say, "Man, look at that S-car go!""

[terryg]

One day a snail crawled into a Pontiac dealership and started looking at the Formula 400 Firebird on display there. He crawled slowly all around it, even under it, and finally over to a salesman's desk.

"I want to buy that car" he said, producing a wad of bills, "but I want you to do one thing extra to it."

The salesman was quite suprized that a snail would want such a fast, flashy car - and have the money to buy it - but on second thought maybe it was understandable...

"Well, of course. And what is the extra? Whatever it is, I'm sure we can accommodate you" he answered.

The snail told the salesman that he he wanted a large capital "S" painted on each door, as well as on the roof of the car. The salesman agreed, the car was taken into the paintshop, the paperwork was done, and the money paid. As the snail was about to get into the car and drive off, the salesman was overcome with curiosity.

"Excuse me," he said, "but what is the significance of the letter "S"? Is it for Snail?"

To which the snail answered, "No, not at all. All my life I've been a lowly snail, crawling along on the ground - a symbol of plodding, plebian, slow, ordinary life. But now, when I go zooming through traffic, passing everyone, I want them to really notice me, admire me, and say, "Man, look at that S-car go!""

Oh wow - that was so horrible!!

[BobCat]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. " How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first, "says the second man. "You get the shakes,and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one
was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[WildBill]

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

I didn't see that one coming.

[BobCat]

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage -- about 20 minutes -- during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at her watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" she said.

No need to panic," said another bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with a string. It'll take her a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

[puma guy]

My dad, a veterinarian was always being asked for free advice on animal issues and one particular fellow would always approach him at church for advice on his cattle. Asked what to do for a calf with locked bowels, my dad said give it a half pint of castor oil. The following Sunday my dad asked how the calf was doing and the fellow said it was his cat, Not his calf. Slightly confused my dad said that he was sure he said it was a calf. My dad said "well, I hope you didn't follow my advice, but the guy said "You're the Vet I figured you knew what you were talking about." My dad asked what happened to the cat. The fellow said. "Well the last time I saw it, it was running over the hill with six other cats. Two were digging, two were covering and two were scouting new territory!" *


* Edit Caution: Story to be taken with a tablespoon of salt.

[puma guy]

One more and I'l quit.

Sign outside small town. " Veterinary - Taxidermist. Guaranteed to get your pet back!"

[cougartex]

My Doctor

Let me tell you about my doctor.
He's very good!
If you tell him you want a second opinion,
He'll go out and come in again.
~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
~
I remember one time I told my doctor I
Had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

[RPB]

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

[RPB]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.