Really bad jokes

[mikeintexas]

In 2011 We'll have both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.

As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which
we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 'I bet you don't know what day this is?'

'Of course I do,' he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office.

At 11 o'clock, the doorbell rang. The wife answered, and at her front door was a UPS driver holding a box, containing a dozen red roses.

Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door. This time the driver had a box of Belgian chocolates.

Later that evening the husband came home, tired after a hard day's work. His wife greeted him by saying: 'First the flowers, then the chocolates, I've never had such a wonderful Groundhog Day!'

Better safe than sorry!

My anniversary is on Groundhog Day. I guess I'll have to take the wife out for supper, as long as they don't have a TV!!

[Warhammer]

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

[Warhammer]

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

[RPB]

Here's a "triple"

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at Will!"

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd just dye.

[Spluloacle]

what do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad!

[Spluloacle]

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer

[Spluloacle]

What do you do with a sick boat?

TAKE IT TO THE DOC!

[Spluloacle]

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

It's Butt

[Spluloacle]

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy Bear

[Spluloacle]

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

[Spluloacle]

What kind of flower is on your face?


Tulips

[Spluloacle]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents

[Spluloacle]

a club walks into a bar and everyone is confused by the irony.

[Teamless]

Just what kinda work do you do?

Cody, I work in customer service at a small chemical company.
I have a lot of downtime, so I read on the forum to keep up with the happenings in the real world :)

[Commander Cody]

I’m wit ya. I didn’t mean nuthin by that. Just remarkin. I love these jokes too.