Really bad jokes

[WildBill]

A redneck is driving down the road in his pick-up truck and a state Trooper pulls him over.

The Trooper goes up to the truck and asks the redneck, "Got any ID?"

The redneck says, " 'bout what?"

[Warhammer]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the most expensive, top shelf bourbon they have. The bartender pours them, and the guy proceeds to knocking them back, one right after another.
The bartenders says, "Hey! Slow down there! Why are you drinking those expensive shots so fast?"
The guy, barely pausing, says, "If you had what I have, you'd be drinking like this, too."
The bartender asks, "Well, what have you got?"
.
.
.
"Two dollars."

[A-R]

"Two dollars."

[A-R]

A young boy is standing in the church hallway looking at photos on the wall of men and women in military uniform. The pastor walks buy and asks, "David, what can I do for you today?"

"I was wondering," the boy says, "who are all those people in the photos up there?"

"Well those are the brave men and women of this church who've died in the service," the pastor says.

The little boy looks very frightened: "The 8:30 or the 11 o'clock?"

[A-R]

A married couple are relaxing on the porch when the wife suddenly asks: "If I died, would you remarry?"

Husband: "No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman."

Wife: "But you love being married, don't you? So honestly. You'd get remarried wouldn't you?"

Husband: *sigh* "Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually"

Wife: "Would you and your new wife live in our house?"

Husband: "Yeah, where else would we live"

Wife: "Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?"

Husband: "Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I'd still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer"

Wife: "Would you two sleep in our bedroom?"

Husband: "Yeah, where else would we sleep?"

Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left-handed."

OOPS!

[keroseneburner]

How do you keep a CHLer in suspense?
I'll tell ya'll tomorrow.

Is it tomorrow yet???

[numist]

When I die I hope to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.

[RPB]

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

[Warhammer]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy... go git cha Momma."

[A-R]

Found this one today ....

The United States Redneck Special Forces:

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The terrorist season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. Terrorists taste like chicken.
4. Terrorists don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5 . Terrorists are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

[terryg]

How do describe a male bovine that has swallowed an explosive device? Abominable.

How do you describe the scene after the explosion? Noble.

[terryg]

What did the Dhali Lama say to the hot dog vender?
Make me one with everything.

[Warhammer]

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

[Warhammer]

What did the Dhali Lama say to the hot dog vender?
Make me one with everything.

Did you hear about the monk who had root canal done with no novacaine?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[WildBill]

There was this old man who lived out in the country. He relaxed by sitting on his front porch in his rocking chair. Every week or so a farmer would drive slowly by his house pulling a trailer full of manure. After a while the old man let his curiosity get the best of him. So one day he stopped the farmer and asked him, "What do you do with all of that manure?"

The farmer replied, "I put it on my strawberries."

Astonished, the old man said, "Hmm, I never tried that before. I just put whipped cream on mine."