Really bad jokes

[Pawpaw]

BANK ROBBERY IN TEXAS

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said...






"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[BobCat]

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. After the panda eats he starts to leave. As he turns to go, he pulls a pistol and fires a couple of shots into the ceiling.

The waiter says, "Hey! What the heck is that all about?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda, look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The waiter happens to have a dictionary handy and he looks up, "Panda: a large black-and-white mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of western China that suggests a bear, but is related to the raccoons. Eats shoots and leaves."

[Warhammer]

A horse walks into to a bar and sits down. The bartender looks up and says, "Why the long face?"

[steve817]

A duck walks into a bar and orders scotch on the rocks.

Bartender says that will be $6.50

Duck says put it on my bill.

[steve817]

A duck walks into a bar and orders scotch on the rocks.

Bartender says "Do you want me to put this on your bill?"

The duck says "I'm not that kind of duck"

[Carry-a-Kimber]

Dog walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.
Dog says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

[BobCat]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it merely one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

[WildBill]

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this... a joke?"

There were three nuns walking down the street, a Catholic nun, a Baptist nun, and a Jewish nun ...

[WildBill]

A lady was walking down the street and passed by a parrot in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady kept walking past the store.

The next day she walked by the pet store and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" This made her very angry.

The very next day she walked past the parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" By this time the lady was so mad that she went into the store and complained to the pet store manager about the rude bird. The store manager apologized and promised that he would take care of the problem.

The next day when the lady walked past the store the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!" She stopped and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

[BobCat]

Two of my old pals and I are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

[A-R]

One of my favs, often attributed to Willie Nelson:

A duck walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool, and asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?" The bartender said no, and the duck left.

The next day, the duck returned and asked the bartender once again, "You got any grapes?" The bartender said, "No grapes!" The duck left.

The next day, the duck came into the bar and asked the bartender, "You got any grapes?" The bartender said, "No! I don't have any grapes! I didn't have any grapes yesterday, I don't have any today, and I won't have any tomorrow! If you ask me again, I'll nail your damn feet to the bar!" The duck left.

The next day, he came back into the bar, jumped up, and asked, "You got any nails?" The bartender said no. The duck then asked, "You got any grapes?"

[WildBill]

The next day, he came back into the bar, jumped up, and asked, "You got any nails?" The bartender said no. The duck then asked, "You got any grapes?"

[Warhammer]

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one asked the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Spluloacle]

I am easily amused