Limericks/Poems/Jokes (keep em clean...)

[Abraham]

Let's lighten the mood.

Offer your favorite limerick, poem, or joke.

I'll step up to the plate: That silly little fish the Crawfree,
has been swimming in my coffee,
and now I've drunk it up,
and he isn't in the cup,
and he's no where to be found,
do you think that he has drowned?

I fear the wrath
Of the Underslung Zath.
Will someone else tell him
It’s time for his bath?

In the undergrowth
There dwells the Bloath
Who feeds upon poets and tea.
Luckily I know this about him,
While he knows almost nothing of me.

The above by Shel Silverstein.

[The Annoyed Man]

I don't know any clean ones. :(

[Abraham]

TAM,

Why do I not believe you?

C'mon, contribute.

The general tone round these here parts has been rather downcast...let's lighten it up.

Therefore I offer up another of Shel's beauties:

Bear In There

There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.

With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.

And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.

And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.

[Abraham]

A little sad, but rather wonderful...

The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon.

Said the old man, "I do that too.

"The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants.

"I do that too," laughed the little old man.

Said the little boy, "I often cry.

The old man nodded, "So do I.

But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me.

And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

"I know what you mean," said the little old man.

[Abraham]

Alright, I'll stop after this one.

THE PLANET OF MARS

On the planet of Mars
They have clothes just like ours,
And they have the same shoes and same laces,
And they have the same charms and same graces,
And they have the same heads and same faces…
But not in the
Very same
Places

Your turn...

[Topbuilder]

Blonde joke:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too."

[treadlightly]

In Austin the chief of police
Thinks gun rights breach the peace.
Counseling for rape,
Is far less red tape,
Just as long as isn't his niece!

For children there are Moms who demand
Those nasty old guns must be banned.
Their reasoning is flawed
They praise intellectual fraud
And with your rights play sleight of hand!

Please don't mention limericks. Please don't. The... voices... won't.... stop....

Open carry in the county of Tarrant
With guns will oppose any tyrant.
But a leader on meth
With threats of death
Is just a walking arrest warrant!

Fingers in ears... I'M NOT LISTENING... Blah-blah-blah-blah...

Guns must be gone from Everytown,
Otherwise Bloomberg will frown.
He's here to disarm
With liberal charm
But the savvy know he's a clown!

Arrrgghhhh....

[Topbuilder]

A man died and went to heaven. Peter said, "we have a little quiz before you can enter. Spell "dog." And the man proceeded to do so.
A second man died and went to heaven; Peter said, "we have a little quiz before you can enter, spell 'cat.'" And the man proceeded to do so. Then a female lawyer from New York died. Peter said, "We have a quiz before you can enter." Whereupon the female lawyer replied, "You male chauvinist pig!!! My whole life I have been discriminated against!!! I come to heaven and you do this to me???" Peter replied, "Hey, its simple...just spell Czechoslovakia!!!"

[WildBill]

I don't know any clean ones. :(

Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
Hickory, dickory, dock.

[puma guy]

Another test at the Pearly Gates.
Kinda long, but I thought it was very funny.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.
Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[The Annoyed Man]

I don't know any clean ones. :(

Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
Hickory, dickory, dock.

That's not the version I learned.....

Hickory dickey dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The others escaped with minor injuries.

[cyphertext]

Did you hear about the chameleon that was unable to change color?



He had a reptile dysfunction.

[Abraham]

You guys are great!

More please!!

[sjfcontrol]

'Twas midnight on the ocean,
Not a streetcar was in sight,
So I stepped into a cigar store
To ask them for a light.

The man behind the counter
Was a woman, old and gray,
Who used to peddle doughnuts
On the road to Mandalay.

She said "Good morning, stranger",
Her eyes were dry with tears,
As she put her head between her feet
And stood that way for years.

Her children all were orphans,
Except one a tiny tot,
Who had a home across the way
Above a vacant lot.

As I gazed through the oaken door
A whale went drifting by,
Its six legs hanging in the air,
So I kissed her goodbye.

This story has a morale
As you can plainly see,
Don't mix your gin with whiskey
On the deep and dark blue sea.

-- Midnight On The Ocean

[jimlongley]

'Twas Brillig and the slithey toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsey were the borogoves
And the momraths outgrabe

. . .

Jabberwocky, by Louis Carroll