Death Threats

[Fangs]

It seems that I have unwittingly gotten myself into a bit of a situation, and I can't think of any group of people better suited to give me advice on how to handle it than yall.

My girlfriend of a couple months has an ex-fiance. That I knew. What I didn't know is just how recently they broke things off. Turns out it was right before she and I met. Also come to find out that he's not quite over her yet, and he blames me for them not working things out and getting back together when he returns from being stationed overseas with the USMC. To top it off, I'd posted a picture of her cuddling with my dog on Facebook, and he saw it, called her, and proceeded to freak out. During this freaking out he repeated several times that he was going to kill me. He also told her he knew my home address and read it to her.

Due to a failed business venture I'm currently living back at home with my mother and 4 little brothers, at the address he has.

The last thing I want to be forced to do is shoot someone serving in the armed forces.

I'm going to fill out a police report, so if anything happens I have a record to help in my defense. The guy's going to be in Texas for a month, staying 4 hours away from where I live. If he shows up here, then he's had several hours of driving to mull over his actions, it wouldn't be a spur of the moment thing. The gf balked when I told her that she's coming with me to file the report. She "doesn't want to get him in trouble" or "make a big deal out of it", and "it's not his fault, he was just mad" (Yeah, like he can never get mad again ). I'm under the impression that just having a report on file won't get him in trouble, but will cover my butt if it turns into a deadly force scenario.

I've been locking up my firearms due to having the younger brothers around. I'm taking to carrying my handgun on me at all times at the house again. I'd still feel better if my 12 gauge or SKS were readily available.

I asked the gf how she thinks he'd attempt to kill me if it came down to it, she said bare hands or knife. Excellent. Last thing I need is someone firing at me with the house and my family behind me.

Normally I would just laugh something like this off. It's not the first time that I've had someone threaten to kill me over a girl. Nothing's ever come of it, but then again, no one's ever gone through the trouble of looking up my address (which isn't easy to find on google or some of the other people searching sites that I checked, so he put in some effort). Also, I can just see his side of the story, as told to his friends, the police, anyone: This guy was messing around with my fiance! Blah blah blah. I can totally understand how the guy must feel, I've been there. I was in a 3 year relationship, thought I was going to marry the girl, and then she cheated on me and ran of with some other guy. It took me longer to get over her than the time actually spent in the relationship. The guy's 18, and has a history of being not physically abusive, but yelling / throwing fits / hitting walls when he was with my gf.

There are enough red flags here for me to take it seriously, any advice would be appreciated.

Oh, I've sparred with Marines before, and know I can handle myself in a physical confrontation. I'd just prefer to never let it get there.

[mymojo]

Contact his C.O. - they tend to frown on that type of behavoir.

[Drewthetexan]

I was in one of these with a police officer's ex girlfriend. No death threats or anything towards me, but he would constantly harrass her and it took FOREVER before I could get her to take it to the chief because she didn't want to get him in trouble, yada, yada, yada. Things quieted down after she did, and he apologized to me for being a pest. I'd definitely go to the C.O. on this if you can.

Document and report everything. If it really comes down to it you want to be able to show you did everything possible to prevent it.

[WildBill]

I'd definitely go to the C.O. on this ... Document and report everything

There are enough red flags here for me to take it seriously, any advice would be appreciated.

There are enough red flags here to attract a bull. You asked for advice so don't get angry or defensive. IANAL nor Ann Landers nor Miss Manners but here is my take. She is not over him. You can not rescue her from the situation that she got herself into and you can't save her from herself. She thrives on conflict and drama in her life. Unless you want constant conflict and drama in your life get a new girlfriend.

[The Annoyed Man]

IANAL nor Ann Landers nor Miss Manners so don't get angry or defensive. You asked for advice. She is not over him. She likes conflict and drama in her life. Get a new girlfriend. .

Aaaaaaayup! If she had your best interest at heart, she would agree that a report needs to be filed. That she doesn't indicates that, right now, she cares more about his future than yours. You only have to ask yourself how she would feel if he actually did hurt you. However, that doesn't mean that I think she's a bad GF. It means that I think she needs to get some help for herself and that she's not thinking straight. Here's why...

You said:

The guy's 18, and has a history of being not physically abusive, but yelling / throwing fits / hitting walls when he was with my gf.

That IS abuse. It's called psychological abuse, and it is a recognized form of abuse in a relationship. Psychologists and the courts recognize it as abuse. Worse yet, a person who is like that is only a hair trigger away from actually physically abusing her (or you). That she doesn't want the authorities involved is exactly the same kind of dysfunction as the physically abused woman who doesn't want her abuser "in trouble" for giving her a black eye and breaking her nose. They think that if they can just love him enough, he'll be nice to her. They view themselves as partly at fault for being abused. I'm sure that your GF is a sweet gal and that you care about her alot, but she needs help. Really.

Please don't take this as a slur on her character or yours, because it isn't meant that way. I've just spent enough years working in an ER, and seen enough abused women to know a little bit of what I'm talking about. She needs a dose of perspective, and for his part, the ex-boyfriend needs to learn that there are consequences for issuing threats of bodily injury. Allowing him to continue to be a loose cannon serves nobody's best interests, including his own.

[Fangs]

I appreciate everyone's comments so far. Don't worry about offending me, it's pretty hard to do. I asked for opinions and advice, and that's what I want.

I'm not sure I'd have a chance of getting to his CO, unless the gf cooperates. As it is, I don't even know his last name. The fact that she balked at the police report makes me think it's a snowball's chance that I'd get enough info to get in touch with his CO, but I'll try.

She agreed to "talk about it" as far as the police report goes when she gets back into town tomorrow, so I'll see how that goes. I'll be filing it with or without her support with as much info as I can gather anyway.

I was the first to wonder if this is worth the hassle. Although she said she talked to him and he said he wouldn't hurt me ( ) because it would hurt her, but he "wants to talk to me" to "make sure I'll treat her right". Whatever that means.

I just hope she hasn't told him that I carry or have guns in the house to "convince him not to attack" me... the only thing I see that doing is causing him to up his firepower before he gets here.

[WildBill]

She agreed to "talk about it" as far as the police report goes when she gets back into town tomorrow, so I'll see how that goes. I'll be filing it with or without her support with as much info as I can gather anyway.

I was the first to wonder if this is worth the hassle. Although she said she talked to him and he said he wouldn't hurt me ( ) because it would hurt her, but he "wants to talk to me" to "make sure I'll treat her right". Whatever that means.

You still don't get it do you?

[ELB]

If she had your best interest at heart, she would agree that a report needs to be filed. That she doesn't indicates that, right now, she cares more about his future than yours.

BINGO. Keep your guard up, document and report and reconsider your relationship, given that you may be bringing danger to your own family for a gal who doesn't appear to have really cut all her emotional ties to her last boyfriend...

[TexasComputerDude]

I hate to say it, but sometimes you just have to sit back, have a few , and pray everything works out for the pour soul who hasn't learned what EVERYONE learns the hard way.

[Drewthetexan]

I was the first to wonder if this is worth the hassle. Although she said she talked to him and he said he wouldn't hurt me ( ) because it would hurt her, but he "wants to talk to me" to "make sure I'll treat her right". Whatever that means.

He wants to talk to you because that's his way of asserting control over you and your girlfriend. Everytime he has contact with you or her he "wins" inside whatever sick and weird world guys like this live in. This is a world of heartache and headache at the least, and if your girlfriend isn't going to put her foot down and back you up now, what makes you think it will ever change down the road?

I'm just going to throw this out to think about: There are various theories and labels about dysfunctional relationships and you may have unwittingly (as I have) fallen into the "knight in shining armor" scenario. Not because of anything wrong with you, but because your girlfriend fulfills the "damsel in distress" part of this - in so much as she allows herself to get caught up with this clown and won't get rid of him. The conflict and drama is something that some women feed on, and they love the fantasy of being "rescued" from the bad guy. Only, if the fantasy ends, you have to ask who gets to be the bad guy next?

Check your pride and take a long gander at the facts. If she's worth it and willing to work with you to move forward together, then by all means. Otherwise stay away from this quagmire. There are women out there without this sort of baggage.

[Oldgringo]

As several others above have suggested: 'get a life'...without this girl and her trained killer (sorta') ex-boyfriend.

BTW, do I recall a previous post where you were brought up by your mother and with four sisters...or am I confususing you with another? While we're on the subject (you), whatever became of the guy who put his cigarette out on your cell phone in a bar in San Marcos...did he live?

[casingpoint]

Fangs, There was a case a couple of years ago up in Trinity where the ex husband or ex boyfriend had threatened to kill the platonic friend of his former hookup, and eventually the two crossed paths at a gas station. When the ex came at him, the platonic friend grabbed a sawed off 12 gauge from inside his truck and dropped him dead on the spot.

I worked with a guy years ago in Houston awaiting his trail for murder. Seems like the gal's husband was bragging about how he was going to kill guy #2 for having an affair with his old lady. So the guy I knew staked out a bar the husband was in and shot him to death when he stepped outside. We only had that guy, Robert, around for a couple of weeks. Never heard of him again.

Forget all the psychobabble. Be forewarned. It's Texas. It happens.

[pedalman]

Contact his C.O. - they tend to frown on that type of behavoir.

Actually, the office of the Provost Marshal at the post where the Marine is stationed would be your best bet.

The young man's First Sergeant would also be a better contact than the CO, but this would depend on knowing his specific unit.