Really bad jokes

[WildBill]

And the Irishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

[WildBill]

Here's an old Jack Benny joke. For the youngsters on the forum, Jack Benny was one of the top comedians of all time. The character that he played on TV was very frugal, read cheap.

A robber came up to Jack Benny, pointed a gun at him and said, "Your money or your life!"

Jack just stood there looking at the robber.

The robber repeated his demand, "Your money or your life!"

Still, Jack just stood there doing nothing.

After a while, the robber raised his voice and repeated his demand, "Didn't you hear me? Your money or your life!"

Jack just stood there, and put his hand on his chin. After a long pause, he said, "I'm thinking about it."

[chartreuse]

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

[A-R]

The presidents of Anheiser Bush, Miller Brewing, and Guiness Brewing walk into a local bar to grab a drink together.

The president of Anheiser says "bartender, I want a glass of the best beer in the world - pour me a Budweiser"

The president of Miller says "I'm on a diet, but still want a great tasting beer - pour me a Miller Lite"

The president of Guiness orders a cup of tea.

The other two men stare at him in disbelief.

"Look," the Guiness president says. "I figure if you bloaks ain't gonna drink beer, I ain't neither."

[A-R]

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each order a pint of Guiness.

Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies land, one in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the offending fly out of his beer and continues drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, picks the fly out of his drink, holds it out over the glass and starts yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU LIL .... !!"

[WildBill]

"Look," the Guiness president says. "I figure if you bloaks ain't gonna drink beer, I ain't neither."

[RPB]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

[UpTheIrons]

Great job guys! Just what I needed to find on a Monday. Here's a bad one I've loved for years, and it is stuuupid bad:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?







A: Because it was dead!

[A-R]

not exactly "jokes" but I love the stand-up comedy of Steven Wright - the epitome of "dead pan delivery" . Examples from memory ...

I have a package of instant water. But I don't know what to add.

I put some instant coffee in the microwave .... almost went back in time.

[CainA]

"Look," the Guiness president says. "I figure if you bloaks ain't gonna drink beer, I ain't neither."

As a beer snob, I can relate!

Life is too short to drink bad beer.

-Cain

[BobCat]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[Dragonfighter]

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

That's me.

Three friends are walking through the town square, two turn and walk into a bar. the third one says, "That had to hurt."

A little OT of an off topic thread but a funny, purportedly true anecdote; In the late seventies a British Airways captain was close to retiring. He flew as a substitute into Frankfurt Airport in Germany. The controllers had a reputation of being curt. Being unfamiliar with the airport layout, he requested progressive taxi instructions (turn by turn instructions) after turn out from the runway. The ground controller tersely asked, "Haven't you been to Frankfurt before?" The perturbed captain responded, "Yes. But it was 30 years ago, at night and I didn't land." He got his request.

[Dave2]

In the late seventies a British Airways captain was close to retiring. He flew as a substitute into Frankfurt Airport in Germany. The controllers had a reputation of being curt. Being unfamiliar with the airport layout, he requested progressive taxi instructions (turn by turn instructions) after turn out from the runway. The ground controller tersely asked, "Haven't you been to Frankfurt before?" The perturbed captain responded, "Yes. But it was 30 years ago, at night and I didn't land." He got his request.

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

[WildBill]

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[RPB]

4 guys got to a lumber yard; one goes in and asks for some "four by twos"

Lumber Yard Clerk says "You mean two by fours?"

Guy says "Lemme go check"

Returns from asking his buddies in the truck and says "yep, two by fours"

Clerk asks "Ok then, two by fours; and how long do you need them?"

Guy says "hold on I'll check"

Returns from asking his buddies in the truck and says "Gonna needum a long time; buildin' a house"