Need some honest opinions. (Mods move if necessary)

[PappaGun]

WildBill's thoughts echo mine.

Reading your post my initial thoughts were that you are explaining and justifying all this way too much.

This is a potentially lethal situation to any involved. It is a classic loop that feeds itself and now you are the food.
If you choose to continue in this relationship, your life will be what you have in front of you now unless YOU change it.

Look at your past relationships. Have they been similar to this?
If so, realize this, get some counseling and change your MO.

If not, as difficult as it is, you and your wife need a fresh start away from the family dynamics.

I hope I have not been too blunt, but it is time to act.

I wish you well.

[gigag04]

I'd put up boundaries, create distance, and let people lay in the beds they made.

[sugar land dave]

They are what is known as enablers. If they continue to do so, the results can be even more traumatic.

Yes, I agree but I can't even say anything like that to them. There so caught up in the "look at our poor son and what the prison system has done to him"

If you really wanted to you can. You have, also, become an enabler. You are also caught up in the "look at our poor son/brother" mentality.

You want to save them, but nothing you can do will save them or their son. Since they have refused to get law enforcement involved they will continue to be manipulated by their son and nothing will improve. You are letting yourself be manipulated and you will continue to get frustrated and accomplish nothing. You and your wife will be dragged down into a never ending cycle of destruction. Unless the cycle is broken, it will continue to effect many future generations of the family.

My opinion will sound insensitive, callous and even cruel. But since you asked, my honest opinion is to cut them loose have nothing at all to do with them. Nothing! This is a hard decision, but one that you have to make. Accept the fact that you can't save them, but that is the only way that you will save yourself.

Good luck.

I don't really expect that my opinion will affect your actions, but IANAL, LEO, counselor, therapist, clergy etc.

I for one support your position, WildBill. I fully agree and was going to post something similar. OP is just an asset base that the family will tap into via the daughter. This will eventually result in two decisions, one by the wife, one by the OP. I hope the two decisions will be as one. Good luck and may GOD bless the OP.

[Texas Dan Mosby]

They are good people. They are just worried about there son. I think he's been playing them all this time and I personally don't want anything to do with him but I can't tell them that because they would disown me as well. They still seem to think he's the one with the drug problem and no one will help him and he has no responsibility for his actions. They are always making excuses for him.

YOU choose who you will associate with, and if they can't understand that, than they are NOT "good people".

I'd put up boundaries, create distance, and let people lay in the beds they made.

Agree 100%

The choices we make have consequences. I will not willingly subject myself to the consequences of poor life decisions made by others.

[LikesShinyThings]

YOU cannot make THEM do anything. You have given your advice. They will do what they will do. You cannot change that.

They sound to me like a toxic relationship. Stay in the relationship and it WILL poison your life. It is not easy, but cutting the relationship now is the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife - and your kids if you have any.

[mamabearCali]

I heartily agree about putting distance between your family and the situation. My father once did that to save his family--it did just that. He quite literally put 1500 miles between his small children wife and the dangerous family feud that was evolving. Years later when the situation was no longer toxic the family came back together, and has reconciled.

If the family is asking for your advice I would tell them to cut ties and to call the police and arm themselves and even move to a new place. You cannot help the son by paying back debts anymore, he must deal with his own debts. Perhaps that would be the shock the son needs to wake up and see what he is doing. If they will not do that then you must protect your family first even if that means limiting or even eliminating visits to them.

This is hard advice to give and receive. But what I mostly wanted to say was that just because you can't be with them right now does not mean that it will be forever that you can't be with them. It may just be for a season until they get ahold of themselves and realize what they are doing can and will lead to their son's destruction and their own.

[WildBill]

This is hard advice to give and receive. But what I mostly wanted to say was that just because you can't be with them right now does not mean that it will be forever that you can't be with them.

Thanks for the reminder. This is one thing that I forgot to say in my post.

[baldeagle]

Here's what should happen. The parents tell their son that he's on his own and they refuse any longer to pay his "debts". Then they call the police, report the threats and allow their phone to be tapped so the scumbags can be caught. You and your wife tell the parents that you will not visit them until they do this because you refuse to put your family's safety at risk.

Here's what is most likely to happen. The parents will continue down the present path until they run out of money or are killed. Your wife refuses to cut off her family, so you are forced to visit them despite the fact that it puts your family's lives in danger. One day you are possibly forced to make a life or death decision and your life is changed forever.

You have no control over the parents' actions, and you can't force your wife to refuse to see them. That limits your options. You can refuse to go with your wife when she visits them. (Not a good option.) You can continue to go with her and hope you have enough presence of mind and enough ammo to survive a firefight. (Not much better.) Or you can contact the police, tell them what's going on and let the chips fall where they may. It would be best if you get your wife's buy-in, but this may be a point in your marriage where you need to take a stand and hope she really loves you. This is the best option not only because it's the right thing to do but also because it puts the conflict on the record in case you later need to justify shooting someone. It will be much easier to argue self defense if the police already have a case open regarding threats on your in-laws lives.

Of course only you know which of these options you find most palatable, but one thing is certain - you will live with the consequences of whichever choice you make. Let's pray that doesn't include the loss of a loved one or your own life.

[aardwolf]

I'd put up boundaries, create distance, and let people lay in the beds they made.

They used to call it "tough love" in the 90s.

[pcgizzmo]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am thankful for the obvious good people here on this board. I have a lot of food for thought.

I realize how dangerous it is for my in-laws and possibly my wife and I. I'm going to talk with her and have her lay down the law to her parents. If she's unwilling to do it then I'm going to take matters into my own hands.

One thing. Do you think it would be better to get the DEA involved? I dont know if the local PD could do alot since it's a private state prison.

My thanks again for the thoughtful and honest posts. I will try and update this in case your interested.

[WildBill]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am thankful for the obvious good people here on this board. I have a lot of food for thought.

I realize how dangerous it is for my in-laws and possibly my wife and I. I'm going to talk with her and have her lay down the law to her parents. If she's unwilling to do it then I'm going to take matters into my own hands.

One thing. Do you think it would be better to get the DEA involved? I dont know if the local PD could do alot since it's a private state prison.

My thanks again for the thoughtful and honest posts. I will try and update this in case your interested.

PCGIZZMO - You still don't get it.

What do you mean "possibly you and your wife". If don't break loose of this situation, it IS YOU AND YOUR WIFE who are in danger.

Why does your wife have to been convinced to lay down the law. Isn't there a saying in Texas about "Cowboy Up"? This is from the Urban Dictionary:

Quit your complaining and be a man. When it gets tough start playing hard.

Your question about local PD vs DEA shows that you are still not serious. It's just another attempt for you to avoid taking any real action. Are there federal laws being violated? DEA is a federal agency. If you go to your local PD they will know if it is within their jurisdiction. If they require assistance from a state or federal authority, they will get it. At this point I don't thing you have anything concrete to tell them, so they may not be able to do much. If they have first hand knowledge that laws are being violated it is up to your in-laws to report them, not you.

Your in-laws have not asked for your help. It is their problem, but for some reason you keep wanting to make it your own. I don't know about you, but my life already has enough problems and stress without having me to go look for any more. I can't help but think that you have some need or desire to be a hero and solve everybody's problems.

After re-reading this and my previous posts, I just realized that I am trying to save you.

[pcgizzmo]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am thankful for the obvious good people here on this board. I have a lot of food for thought.

I realize how dangerous it is for my in-laws and possibly my wife and I. I'm going to talk with her and have her lay down the law to her parents. If she's unwilling to do it then I'm going to take matters into my own hands.

One thing. Do you think it would be better to get the DEA involved? I dont know if the local PD could do alot since it's a private state prison.

My thanks again for the thoughtful and honest posts. I will try and update this in case your interested.

PCGIZZMO - You still don't get it.

What do you mean "possibly you and your wife". If don't break loose of this situation, it IS YOU AND YOUR WIFE who are in danger.

Why does your wife have to been convinced to lay down the law. Isn't there a saying in Texas about "Cowboy Up"? This is from the Urban Dictionary:

Quit your complaining and be a man. When it gets tough start playing hard.

Your question about local PD vs DEA shows that you are still not serious. It's just another attempt for you to avoid taking any real action. Are there federal laws being violated? DEA is a federal agency. If you go to your local PD they will know if it is within their jurisdiction. If they require assistance from a state or federal authority, they will get it. At this point I don't thing you have anything concrete to tell them, so they may not be able to do much. If they have first hand knowledge that laws are being violated it is up to your in-laws to report them, not you.

Your in-laws have not asked for your help. It is their problem, but for some reason you keep wanting to make it your own. I don't know about you, but my life already has enough problems and stress without having me to go look for any more. I can't help but think that you have some need or desire to be a hero and solve everybody's problems.

After re-reading this and my previous posts, I just realized that I am trying to save you.

I hear and think I understand you but if what I hear you saying is you would just have me tell my wife that were not going to have anything else to do with her family and I can't do that. It's a tragedy this is happening at all but it would even be a greater tragedy if I ended up divorcing my wife over this. Yes, I know you are going to say an even bigger tragedy if something is not done and we lose our lives but I still have hope that we can get them to come to their senses. I believe there is still hope and I will go to the police myself if it continues much longer.

I will do all that I can do to separate myself from him. I've told my wife that any letters he writes are not to come to our house but to her parents or a PO Box. He is only to call us through the prison phone system and not a cell phone. I am well armed. We are going to have her parents change their phone # and they have agreed. This should stop the calls. Beyond that I don't know. They have only threatened them and never my wife or I and they've really only threatened to hurt my wife's brother and then his parents only if they call the police.

You words are appreciated even if there direct.

[surprise_i'm_armed]

pcgizmo:
Your story is complicated and life-threatening to many people.

You mention that your MIL is anti-gun. Well, she needs to get pro-gun right quick,
since it will greatly improve her prospects of being able to fog a mirror for many more
years. She and her husband should both have guns with them that they have practiced
with. Since your MIL is anti-gun right now, she must be PRO "suicide by thug".

You mention that YOU are well-armed. What about your bride? You need to get her behind
a gun she likes, and no mouse guns - get her at least a .38. She can handle a .45 if she
puts her mind to it.

Get that bride of yours packin' and make sure both of you have backup ammo. It might
be a long engagement against multiple druggies.

Best of luck to you.

SIA

[C-dub]

Pcgizmo, I was actually wondering what your wife's position was on all this. What is her opinion of her brother? What is her opinion of her parents' actions? I'm also thinking that since your wife's parents are unable to make the tough decision and by asking you for your help or advice they may be wanting you to start making these decision for them and tell them what to do. It is putting you in a tough spot and they could eventually blame you if things get worse for their son. They could be trying to hand you the keys to the family.

Early in my marriage, 20 years this year, I considered my wife an equal. Things have changed over the years and about 5 years ago I realized that even though she earns twice what I do I'm still in charge. We discuss almost everything, but the final decision is always mine. She trusts me and knows that I wouldn't put our family at risk. Our parents are also approaching that stage in their lives when they will begin relying on us more. A long time ago my own father made a decision for the safety of his family and moved my mom, brother, and sister 1,300 miles away from my mom's family and my dad's own mother. The issue had nothing to do with my dad's mom, but it was the sacrifice he had to make for the safety of his wife and kids. It was the best thing he could have done. I'm sure it was a difficult decision, but it needed to be done.

[Purplehood]

Perhaps you should be talking with the local LE folks in your in-laws city...?

There afraid of what might happen to him. He tells them it's all run by prison gangs and if someone tells and they find out it will be bad for him. It's a crazy situation.

I know it sounds harsh, but maybe "bad for him" is the best thing for everyone... including him. I apologize to the forum if that is too harsh.