Please help edit my persuasive paper

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KD5NRH
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Re: Please help edit my persuasive paper

#1

Post by KD5NRH »

I'm going to pull the quote tags just to simplify things here; my comments are in blue, grammatical corrections or suggested deletions in red. it's been a while since I've written anything like this, though, so take my editing with a grain of salt; I'm just practicing for getting back into school :smile:

On April 16, 2007 on the Virginia Tech campus in Blacksburg, Virginia, two tragedies occurred that day. Redundant, and slightly awkward in structure; alternate suggestions: "On April 16, 2007, two tragedies occurred on the Virginia Tech campus." or "Two tragedies occurred in Blacksburg, Virginia on April 16, 2007." The first: thirty-two students and faculty of Virginia Tech were murdered in cold blood by Seung-Hui Cho, a South Korean who had moved to the United States at age eight and attended Virginia Tech as an English Major. Maybe "The first is well recognised; the premeditated murder of thirty-two Virginia Tech students and faculty by Seung-Hui Cho, a South Korean who had immigrated to the United States at age eight." All were shot by Cho when he illegally purchased and carried handguns onto the Virginia Tech campus and committed these atrocious crimes. Were both purchases illegal? I was under the impression that one was obtained before he was found emotionally unstable. Either way, the sentence could be restructured a bit: "Cho illeagally purchased and brought onto the campus two handguns, which he used to kill his victims and, ultimately, himself." The second tragedy? I'd move this on to the second paragraph; see below

Not one of the students or faculty was able to defend themselves due to a campus-wide ban of weapons, even by those carried by an individual licensed to possess a concealed handgun."The second tragedy was that the victims were prohibited from providing for their own defense by a campus-wide ban on weapons, including lawfully concealed weapons carried by properly licensed individuals."

This is wrong, and a tragedy of its own. This might be a bit harsh, depending on the audience; we know it's wrong, and those who would disagree are likely to tune out at this statement. Show them that it's wrong without telling them directly. No law or policy should prevent a student or faculty member who holds a license to carry a concealed weapon from being able to carry their firearm on campus. "Laws and policies that disarm law-abiding citizens leave them defenseless and at the mercy of those who do not follow laws." As a slightly technical aside, laws and policies prohibit things, but they don't prevent anything. The Virginia Tech administration, in its infinite wisdom, passed a campus policy which prohibits just that. This comes off as a bit sarcastic; "The Virginia Tech administration, shortly before the incident, passed a campus policy which does just that." Even though holders of the concealed carry permit underwent a federal and state background check, took and passed any necessary tests, and are permitted to carry their weapons in many other public and private areas, including campuses that did not specifically prohibit concealed carry permit holders from carrying their weapons on campus, Virginia Tech found it necessary. "Although concealed carry permit holders in Virginia, who must pass state and federal background checks as a part of the licensing process, are permitted by state law to carry in many places, including college campuses, Virginia Tech found it necessary to single itself out." In 2005, a University spokesman said the University had “the right to adhere to and enforce that policy as a common-sense protection of students, staff and faculty as well as guests and visitors.”

“Common-sense” is defined as, “sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence.” When one looks at all available statistics and factual knowledge in regard to concealed carry laws and the effect on crime, it is easy to see that the stance taken by Virginia Tech is, in fact, not common-sense. According to Don Kates, a retired American professor of constitutional and criminal law and also a criminologist associated with the Pacific Research Institute in San Francisco, California, has this to say about restrictive gun laws:

“Unfortunately, an almost perfect inverse correlation exists between those who are affected by gun laws, particularly bans, and those whom enforcement should affect. Those easiest to disarm are the responsible and law abiding citizens whose guns represent no meaningful social problem. Irresponsible and criminal owners, whose gun possession creates or exacerbates so many social ills, are the ones most difficult to disarm."

In addition, in every single state that has passed a concealed carry law, crime has either fallen or not risen at all, in contrary to the predictions of the anti-gun crowd. When Texas passed their concealed handgun license in response to the Luby’s Massacre, The serious Serious, or violent? crime rate in Texas fell 50% faster than the national average. Also, concealed handgun license holders in Texas are 5.7 times less likely to be arrested for violent offenses than the general public, and 13.5 times less likely to be arrested for non-violent offenses than the general public. It's probably best to cite a reputable source for the numbers in the text in this situation. Also, conviction rates, rather than arrest rates are probably better here. Someone had a set of statistics that also threw in convictions of law enforcement officers for violent and nonviolent crimes as well, which ISTR still came out in our favor; that might make for a nice addition if anybody here has the numbers and the source handy.

In closing, reviews of high profile public shooting incidents shows that when killers are confronted by armed resistance they tend to either break off the attack and flee or choose to end their own life. Any law that prevents a student or faculty member who is a holder of a concealed carry permit from carrying their firearm on a school campus is fundamentally flawed. It is saddening that it took another tragedy to bring this issue back to the spotlight.

Lives are saved when resistance engages a violent criminal. Lives are lost when the criminal can do as he pleases. Maybe "Effective resistance to violent criminals saves innocent lives. Prohibiting the means to resist effectively costs lives"
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seamusTX
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#2

Post by seamusTX »

Russell, KD5NRH gave you good feedback. Please post your revised essay. I will probably have further comments.

1. You need to review agreement of pronouns with their antecedents. For example:
Not one of the students or faculty was able to defend themselves ...
Not one is singular. Themselves is plural.

This kind of thing is common in everyday speech, but IMO a college essay should follow more rigorous standards.

You could avoid the agreement problem and the clumsy himself or herself by rewriting the sentence:
University administrators deprived every innocent person on campus of the right to self defense.
2. Short paragraphs are your friend. Readers will skim over long paragraphs, but the eye automatically goes to the beginning of new paragraphs.

- Jim

frankie_the_yankee
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#3

Post by frankie_the_yankee »

Look for my email with my inputs.
Ahm jus' a Southern boy trapped in a Yankee's body

mbw
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#4

Post by mbw »

Russell-

I think that you could make a better case if your stats were quoted in a different way. If you look at the DPS web site, the most current stats they have for chriminal convictions are for the year 2005.

KD5NRH is correct in that convictions are much more useful than the arrest or charges filed rate.

Of the 34,791 convictions that occurred in 2005, CHL holders committed 0.3708% of them. That is less than 1/2 of 1% of the chriminal convictions in TX for the year 2005.

The DPS document is a 4 page PDF file. I would be very tempted to download and print the file and submit it as background for you paper. You will be speaking to an audience that will try its best to ignore you and your message. The one thing that they can not ignore are government compiled stats. They may not like them, but they can not ignore them.

frankie_the_yankee
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#5

Post by frankie_the_yankee »

This is wrong, and a tragedy of its own. Laws and policies that disarm law-abiding citizens leave them defenseless and at the mercy of those who do not follow laws. The Virginia Tech administration passed a campus policy which prohibits just that. Although concealed carry permit holders in Virginia, who must pass state and federal background checks as a part of the licensing process, and are permitted by state law to carry in many places, including on college campuses, Virginia Tech found it necessary to single itself out. In 2005, a University spokesman said the University had “the right to adhere to and enforce that policy as a common-sense protection of students, staff and faculty as well as guests and visitors.�
Remove the comma and the "who" that I highlighted in the paragraph above.

The paper looks pretty good.
Ahm jus' a Southern boy trapped in a Yankee's body
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seamusTX
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#6

Post by seamusTX »

Russell wrote:Laws and policies that disarm law-abiding citizens leave them defenseless and at the mercy of those who do not follow laws. The Virginia Tech administration passed a campus policy which prohibits just that.
This is a subtle point, but what does prohibits just that refer to?

The campus policy accomplishes the proposition of disarming people and leaving them at the mercy of criminal assailants.

Also change which to that.

Common sense when used as a noun should not be hyphenated. It should be hyphenated when it is a modifying phrases, for example, common-sense precautions.
the anti-gun crowd
Consider whether this term is unnecessarily provocative. It could be replaced by opponents.
When Texas passed their
Change their to its. Texas is one state.
concealed handgun license holders in Texas are 5.7 times less likely to be arrested
a. I don't know where you're getting that figure, but I suspect the number itself is incorrect.

b. The phrase 5.7 times less is not meaningful in mathematical terms. If the statistic is correct, the way to say it is "concealed handgun license holders are less than 1/5 as likely to be arrested.

It is dangerous to take any statistics from newspapers and other secondary sources. Reporters are notoriously bad at math, and they often repeat statistics that have been manipulated by someone with a bias.

- Jim
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seamusTX
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#7

Post by seamusTX »

Russell wrote:Awesome help! Thank you!

I got the 5.7 times less likely number from gunfacts.
Thank you, and you're welcome.

I have to go out, but I will take a look at the DPS statistics later. The conviction rates are more meaningful than arrests, as was mentioned earlier.

- Jim

waltherone
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#8

Post by waltherone »

My additions are in bold. They're few, but they're there. Paper is coming along nicely. I should be working on my own right now ;) My modifications are mostly subject/very agreement issues.
Two tragedies occurred in Blacksburg, Virginia on April 16, 2007. The first is well recognized; the premeditated murder of thirty-two Virginia Tech students and faculty by Seung-Hui Cho, a South Korean who had immigrated to the United States at age eight. Cho illegally purchased and brought onto the campus two handguns, which he used to kill his victims and, ultimately, himself.

The second tragedy was that the victims were prohibited from providing for their own defense by a campus-wide ban on weapons, including lawfully concealed weapons carried by properly licensed individuals.

This is wrong, and a tragedy of its own. Laws and policies that disarm law-abiding citizens leave these citizens defenseless and at the mercy of those who do not follow laws. The Virginia Tech administration passed a campus policy that accomplishes the proposition of disarming people and leaving them at the mercy of criminal assailants. Although concealed carry permit holders in Virginia must pass state and federal background checks as a part of the licensing process, and are permitted by state law to carry in many places, including on college campuses, Virginia Tech found it necessary to single itself out. In 2005, a University spokesman said the University had “the right to adhere to and enforce that policy as a common-sense protection of students, staff and faculty as well as guests and visitors.�

“Common sense� is defined as, “sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence.� When one looks at all available statistics and factual knowledge in regard to concealed carry laws and the effect on crime, it is easy to see that the stance taken by Virginia Tech is, in fact, not common sense. Don Kates, a retired American professor of constitutional and criminal law and also a criminologist associated with the Pacific Research Institute in San Francisco, California, has this to say about restrictive gun laws:

“Unfortunately, an almost perfect inverse correlation exists between those who are affected by gun laws, particularly bans, and those whom enforcement should affect. Those easiest to disarm are the responsible and law abiding citizens whose guns represent no meaningful social problem. Irresponsible and criminal owners, whose gun possession creates or exacerbates so many social ills, are the ones most difficult to disarm."


In addition, in every single state that has passed a “shall issue� concealed carry law (where a concealed carry license is issued to any law-abiding citizen who applies and passes certain objective requirements), crime has either fallen or not risen at all, in contrary to the predictions of the opposition. When Texas passed its concealed handgun license in response to the Luby’s Massacre, the serious crime rate in Texas fell 50% faster than the national average. Also, concealed handgun license holders in Texas are less than 1/5 as likely to be arrested for violent offenses than the general public, and 13.5 times less likely to be arrested for non-violent offenses than the general public.1 In fact, in Texas citizens with concealed carry permits are 14 times less likely to commit a crime, and are five times less likely to commit a violent crime.2 Of the 34,791 convictions that occurred in 2005, Texas concealed handgun license holders committed less than one-half of a percent of them, only 0.3708%.3

The simple “common-sense� fact is that when a murder is occurring, time costs lives. In the time required for police to respond to a shooting rampage, many lives can easily be lost when the shooter has no resistance. When a legally armed citizen has the ability to intervene, the rampage can quickly be ended. Reviews of high profile public shooting incidents show that when killers are confronted by armed resistance they tend to either break off the attack and flee or choose to end their own life. At the Appalachian School of Law, two students retrieved their personal firearms and subdued the shooter before he could cause anymore damage.4 Any law that prevents a student or faculty member who is a holder of a concealed carry permit from carrying their firearm on a school campus is fundamentally flawed. It is saddening that it took another tragedy to bring this issue back to the spotlight.

Effective resistance to violent criminals saves innocent lives. Prohibiting the means to resist effectively costs them.
Also, check the last two large paragraphs ( 3rd to last and 2nd to last paragraphs). A lot of sentences seem to start with numbers, as if you copy/pasted from a site or something. Example: At the Appalachian School of Law, two students retrieved their personal firearms and subdued the shooter before he could cause anymore damage.4 Any law that prevents a student or faculty member who is a holder of a concealed...
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seamusTX
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#9

Post by seamusTX »

Russell wrote:Those numbers are superscript numbers marking citations that appear at the footnote of the document, just the forum doesn't know how to show superscript numbers.
The usual way to indicate footnotes when superscripts aren't possible is to put them in square brackets [].

- Jim
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