Me=gunny; Wife=not so much; Suggestions?

[kitty]

Since I last posted in this thread, I've had several enlightening conversations with my wife about her feelings concerning guns and shooting them. Here's her concerns, what I took away from it, and what I did about it...

Her concerns:
When I probed - gently - as to why she was so hesitant about shooting, she finally said that when she goes shooting with me or my son, she feels like she is being tested. I asked her if she felt like I was testing her, or if the gun was testing her. She said that it was the gun that was testing her. She said that she really did feel like I was being sweet with her when we shoot, but that she felt a self-imposed sense that she might somehow mess things up or do something wrong, and that self-imposed pressure made it difficult for her to enjoy the experience.

What I got out of it:
What I realized was that I had to stop thinking of myself as the best person to introduce her to the sport. I had to stop being "paternalistic" about it. My paternalism was motivated out of love, but it was wrongly directed. My wife understood that about me, and being a pretty selfless person, she did not hold it against me. Our conversations had also revealed that she might be more comfortable learning to shoot if she were doing it with other women at first, rather just with my son and me.

What I did about it:
Since we are still relatively new to Texas, we don't have many friends here outside of the context of our church, and I only know two or three who I know are shooters, and they are all guys. So the first thing I did was to consult separately with both Crossfire and CompVest, both of whom gave me helpful suggestions with a range of options. All of these options centered around A) introducing my wife to other female shooters, many of whom are qualified instructors who are enthusiastic about helping other women to get involved; and B) doing what I could to facilitate opportunities for my wife to get together with those women. So, a couple of weeks ago, we both joined the Dallas Pistol Club. This coming Saturday, my wife will be participating in her first "women only" shooting event at the club, at which she will hook of with some very capable women shooters, get to try a lot of different guns, no men allowed. She told me just this morning that she is really looking forward to it, AND she asked me if I would take her to the local Bass Pro range this Friday afternoon!

Um, AnnoyedMan, I live in Haltom City, which is about 20 miles west of Grapevine. I would love to know more about this women's only shooting club your wife has found. There are no women around me who want to go to the range, I'm the only one I know, even those in my SS class, who want's to go. I go with my husband, but lately he's been too busy to go, so we haven't been in a long time. I had heard that DPC was going to have a women's only club, but that was a long time ago.

[thejtrain]

I don't know her circumstances, but I was assaulted and robbed in my front yard many years ago. At the time, I was so stricken with shame (and anger at myself) more so than fear = because I froze up and couldn't do anything to defend myself.

Afterwards, I wasn't as adverse to getting a gun as I was hesitant to consider it -because I was fearful I'd just freeze up again; and what good would having a gun be if I was paralyzed with fear and couldn't use it OR the bad guy would end up taking it away from me?

I did finally work through my fear of freezing up (again) by taking a self defense course. It taught me more about self and situational awareness than actual manuevers for defense - but it was the beginning of a turning point.

I'd guess she's rejecting guns per se, because of the fear she experienced with her mugging and I'd guess she might feel a sense of shame BECAUSE of the loss of control over her circumstances.

She may be inversely controlling her circumstances now by rejecting the use of a gun. Instead of seeing it as a means of protection, she might see it as a reminder of the fear and shame she experienced during the mugging. Not to say this would change her overall decision, but did she ever get counseling to work through the trauma of being mugged? It's devastating to have to admit that you were a "victim" - it's such a dirty word (to those who have been victimized).

Very interesting perspective - it could very well be something like that. She's indicated willingness to do a self-defense course as a starting point (the last one didn't work out 'cause of kid issues at the last minute), so hopefully we can start there and see something positive start to take shape.

I get the idea the harder you push, the more she will resist - if nothing else, but for the principle expressed in this statement. I know you're concerned but don't paint her into a corner where she'll have to maintain a "stand" on principle.

She may be having more of an internal dialogue about this than she's shared with you. I did. Just be open to help her work through the discussions when she is ready and willing to talk it over with you.

As hard as it is, consider backing off and giving her room to be able to change her mind if that's what she decides is right for her.

I think you're 100% right on the money here, especially with that first paragraph. I have high hopes that the internal dialogue you suggest is really happening, and I'm hopeful that my carrying (and being completely normal) will also influence that internal dialogue in a good direction.

To others who've posted thoughts, they are much appreciated. In truth I think we're definitely still in the "get her OK with the concept first" stage, and not very close to any actual shooting. I do realize that in many cases just getting the lady to pull that trigger for the first few times can tend to be an epiphanous experience that leads to where we all hope our wives get to: equal enthusiasm with our own! But with what's going on (she's a brand-new small business owner and is still very stressed out over the startup - though I think those days are coming to a middle, perhaps even today, with the Grand Opening going down this morning) I don't think it's a very good time to introduce something new for her to ponder/contemplate/anticipate/worry about (that's the progression I'm used to seeing out of her).

I just got my plastic yesterday (woohoo!) so I carried for the first time today out to lunch with the family & another mom/kid combo. Felt good. And I'm looking forward to the time in a couple of weeks where it casually comes up in conversation that she didn't realize I'd been carrying for the last couple of weeks and gee I was still exactly normal the whole time. That will be a very opportune time to talk to her some more (assuming it goes down as planned), and I can perhaps introduce a new idea, "if a qualified & trained local friend offers to help out, would you be ok with trying it out while I walk the boys around Bass Pro for a bit?" We'll see!

[thejtrain]

In truth I think we're definitely still in the "get her OK with the concept first" stage, and not very close to any actual shooting.

Looks like I was exactly right on that score. Had a very moment the other night. Had taken my G30 to a new (to me) nearby range (The Bullet Hole) after work, and went home and did the regular dinner-put-kids-to-bed-hang-out-with-wife routine. After she went to bed (I always stay up later, whether to read or play XBox/PC games or whatever) I took it out to give it its post-shoot cleaning. Had just gotten it broken down to its constituent parts (frame, slide, barrel, spring) when she came back downstairs to do something or other, and saw what I was doing. The conversation was very short and went something like this -
Wife: [paraphrasing, can't recall exactly this first comment] Well, that's a scary sight.
Me: What? I'm just cleaning it.
Wife: Yeah, it's fine if I never have to see it.
Me: stunned, incomprehending silence (AKA "pokered")
Wife: That's just kinda disturbing [yes, she used that exact word].
Me: Umm...
Wife: Goodnight. [goes back upstairs]

Next morning, all is normal, regular breakfast-for-the-kids-and-JT-goes-to-work routine, but we talk about going out to dinner tonight & BBQing tomorrow.

So, with how back-and-forth she has been on various occasions, I think "wait and see" is still the best policy. I know with my "way with words" (I'm much better on paper than in person) if I try convincing her it's more likely she'll end up against it than for it, so all I can hope is that she'll come around on her own without any scary external factors leading into it.

JT

[The Annoyed Man]

Um, AnnoyedMan, I live in Haltom City, which is about 20 miles west of Grapevine. I would love to know more about this women's only shooting club your wife has found. There are no women around me who want to go to the range, I'm the only one I know, even those in my SS class, who want's to go. I go with my husband, but lately he's been too busy to go, so we haven't been in a long time. I had heard that DPC was going to have a women's only club, but that was a long time ago.

Well, it's not so much a Women's Club, as it is a subset of women members of DPC who want to shoot together without their mens gittin' all up in their grills.

Since I last posted in this thread, they had their shooting day. The Annoyed Woman truly enjoyed the time spent with the other ladies, and she learned a couple of crucial things. For instance, although she is right handed, it turns out she is left-eye dominant, and she actually shoots much better left handed. Who knew? She shot both another lady's .22, and one of our 1911s, and she had an absolute ball.

I'll PM you with additional details.

[Lady Madonna]

This place is in south San Antonio, but I had a really good experience there:
http://www.aplacetoshoot.com/

The guy at the counter was very nice. It was pretty empty when we went during the week, so there wasn't alot of noise or distractions. It's $10 per person, and you can rent a gun for $20, I think.
It's an outdoor range.