First Wife Protest

[Blindref757]

I've had my plastic for a couple of months now and the wife has not really cared too much either way. She supported me getting it, she doesn't think that money spent on guns and ammo are really in the budget, but she isn't anti-gun. She's made a few little jabs at me when I've put on my holster to go to eat or to wally world--but I thought it was just in fun.

Today we hit a wall when I started to head out to church with my gun in my holster. She really threw a fit...she didn't see any need to be armed in the house of the Lord. I didn't have the time or energy to argue...so I left it on the dresser.

Any tips on trying to get her to understand? I get it...I know we could have car trouble on the way, we could be in an accident with an enraged driver, and while highly unlikely, an active shooter could bust through the doors of the sanctuary. She is viewing my carrying as a "little man syndrome" (I'm 6-3/290) instead of preparedness for disaster.

[paulhailes]

God gave you the gift of being able to protect yourself, why would you expect him to give you another gift of protection if you didn't use the first?

[Hoi Polloi]

Is your relationship solid outside this issue? Is the conflict limited only to guns? If not, fix the underlying relationship issue and this will disappear.

Do you have a history of getting really into interests or hobbies? Is your wife reacting to a pattern of behavior, making the gun itself irrelevant? If so, ratchet back and settle in for the long haul, showing interest in her life (enough so that she feels validated and that you're involved), and choosing carefully when and where you're going to introduce this interest into the rest of your life.

Does your wife have a particular issue with firearms? Did you rush into carrying (on her timescale, not yours) so that she's been simmering for months and it is starting to come out because she's reaching the boiling point? If so, gain lots of brownie points by working backwards to the day it started, then start moving forward together, giving it the time and attention the issue needs to be resolved.

There are a bunch of other possible reasons, but I'll leave it at that until hearing back from you.

[johnson0317]

There is a website, somewhere, that keeps track of all church-related shootings...maybe that would change her mind. She needs to understand that a "Gun-Free Zone" simply means a "Free-Fire Zone" to any criminal that decides it is time to take out God's people that day. On the other hand, perhaps she understands that there is no better test of her faith than to kneel and pray as a gunman is pointing a gun at her head. Graphic, sorry, but that is a likely scenario if no one is able to defend the flock against a wolf that day.

RJ

[speedsix]

...about six months into my carrying concealled legally, my wife spotted me putting my .45 up after church one day...asked me if I didn't think God could take care of His own problems at church...I told her yep, and He'd use well-armed, well-trained men to do it...
...my neighbor's been married 35+ years...his wife started in on him about guns/ammo/budget...and he told her to go look at the shoes in her closet...and then decide if she really wanted to go there...she didn't...

...you should stick to your guns...literally...not give in to her...it's to her benefit, too..."First Wife Protest" would lead to "Second Wife" in a lot of guys' marriages!!!

[Blindref757]

Is your relationship solid outside this issue? Is the conflict limited only to guns? If not, fix the underlying relationship issue and this will disappear.

Yes...married 21 years. Our relationship is better than it ever has been. No other real conflicts outside of the normal everyday stuff.

Do you have a history of getting really into interests or hobbies? Is your wife reacting to a pattern of behavior, making the gun itself irrelevant? If so, ratchet back and settle in for the long haul, showing interest in her life (enough so that she feels validated and that you're involved), and choosing carefully when and where you're going to introduce this interest into the rest of your life.

I do get into my hobbies, and she has never had one. I've encouraged her to get one/some, offered to pay, supported with kids/dishes/laundry, etc. I don't think it's about the guns...I think it is about image of some sort. I think she's scared that someone might find out what those clips on my belt are for (my tuckable holster) and think less of us for having a gun at church. My gun is always well concealed...I wouldn't have it any other way.

Does your wife have a particular issue with firearms? Did you rush into carrying (on her timescale, not yours) so that she's been simmering for months and it is starting to come out because she's reaching the boiling point? If so, gain lots of brownie points by working backwards to the day it started, then start moving forward together, giving it the time and attention the issue needs to be resolved.

I didn't rush into it. I talked about it for a couple of years. I've had handguns and hunting guns in the house all 21 years we've been married. I've taught my kids about guns, let them shoot them, drilled safety into their heads, and been a good manager of this aspect. When I decided to get my CHL, she never said a negative word.
I believe this issue is pretty much isolated to church.

[Hoi Polloi]

Do you have a history of getting really into interests or hobbies? Is your wife reacting to a pattern of behavior, making the gun itself irrelevant? If so, ratchet back and settle in for the long haul, showing interest in her life (enough so that she feels validated and that you're involved), and choosing carefully when and where you're going to introduce this interest into the rest of your life.

I do get into my hobbies, and she has never had one. I've encouraged her to get one/some, offered to pay, supported with kids/dishes/laundry, etc. I don't think it's about the guns...I think it is about image of some sort. I think she's scared that someone might find out what those clips on my belt are for (my tuckable holster) and think less of us for having a gun at church. My gun is always well concealed...I wouldn't have it any other way.

Saying her husband has "Little Man Syndrome" is harsh and not the typical choice of words for a woman who loves, respects, and feels validated by her husband but who has a disagreement in values on one minor, though well-discussed, topic. That you think she needs a hobby and she doesn't is interesting. Perhaps she feels a lot of pressure with a long list of things needing to be done and like she can't rest while she feels like you, in comparison, don't pull your fair share. This in no way implies that you don't as you might work your tail off, but I'm just wondering if that's how she perceives you. Whatever it is, and no matter how fulfilled you are or how much you give to your marriage, it sounds to me like one of her primary relationship needs is going unfulfilled and the gun at church is symbolic of it.

[Blindref757]

I think she is in denial that there are real threats to her personal safety. Furthermore, I think that she is a typical sheep. She doesn't want to think of her husband as the type of person who would take the life of another person. Either that, or she doesn't want me engaged in a firefight because she doesn't want me dead. She hasn't gotten her head around the fact that a person carrying concealed is doing it out of utmost love.

I'm not going to throw a fit about it, not gonna get a 2nd wife over it, and I'm going to try to educate her further. I might be in denial, but I really don't see this as a marital issue. It's a gun/carrying issue.

[The Annoyed Man]

Read to her from Luke 22:35-38

35 Then Jesus asked them, “When I sent you without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?”

“Nothing,” they answered.

36 He said to them, “But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one. 37 It is written: ‘And he was numbered with the transgressors’; and I tell you that this must be fulfilled in me. Yes, what is written about me is reaching its fulfillment.”

38 The disciples said, “See, Lord, here are two swords.”

“That’s enough!” he replied.

Two comments about this scripture that you might share with her.....

1) Jesus essentially told his disciples "this is a dangerous world. Arm yourselves." In context, you have to understand that a man's cloak in that day was one of his most valued possessions. It kept him warm in cold weather; he slept in it at night as a blanket; he sat on it to get himself off the ground; it kept the rain and snow off of him. And yet, here is Jesus advising his disciples to sell one of their most valued possessions to finance the purchase of a sword if they didn't have one. Keep in mind that, in scriptural context, He was preparing them to go forth and spread the good news of the Gospel.

2) In verse 38, the disciples respond to Jesus, saying that they already have two swords among themselves. To put this in context, they are at the moment involved in the Passover feast, a holy sater, and having communion with the person whom they believe to be the Son of God, the Messiah, the Savior, the One charged with all spiritual authority............and they are armed in His presence. Apparently, that did not upset Jesus, nor did it occur to them that He would be upset. They had already brought the swords before the Passover feast started.

My own commentary: If that did not upset Jesus himself, then who am I to be upset about it? Who is your wife to be upset about it? I'm not saying that to be disrespectful, but merely to put things in perspective. We daily (or should be daily) asking through prayer for God's intercession in our lives, the lives of our loved ones, the lives of our church family, and the lives of the unsaved. Prayers for intercession includes whenever we find ourselves in extremis, with our very lives on the line. Sometimes, God intervenes directly in human affairs. Sometimes He sends an angel. The word "angel" literally means a messenger of God. Sometimes that messenger, that agent of God's will intervening in human affairs, takes the form of a spirit being. But most of the time, that angel comes in a human package—someone who God has directed according to His divine purposes to act as His agent in this world.

We believers are ALL called to be prepared to be that agent in the lives of others. This is not a duty which we are permitted to shirk. It can take many forms. It might look like simply bringing meals to the new mother's family while she recovers from childbirth. It might look like ministry to the homeless. It might look like hosting a VBS at your home. It might look like getting involved in a prison ministry. It might look like sharing Jesus in a coffee house. It might look like involving yourself in a Celebrate Recovery program. It might look like babysitting a single mother's kids so she can get to her job. It might look like counseling a couple who are struggling and contemplating divorce........................................AND.........................it might look like being the one who is prepared to stand in the gap with a gun in his hand on that day when some maniac wades into the congregation during a service and starts indiscriminately killing people in some satanically fueled rage.

I don't have to deal with this issue in my own life. My wife carries at all times herself. But if I were faced with your wife's objections, these are the things I would share with her. The Lord will guide your words and your thoughts if you surrender them to Him. Your marriage is a sacred trust. Above all, let peace reign there. But remember this: if you are both believers, then Biblically, you are the spiritual head of your family. Although Ephesians 5:21-33 charges you with living sacrificially for your wife, loving her as you love yourself, it also commands her to submit to you as she would to the Lord. You are called to that spiritual headship over your family, and you must not shirk that duty.

I hope this helps, and blessings on you and your wife.

[RPB]

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Partial list, from last year:

18 church shootings in 11 years
Got this off of a Front Sight email.

Virginia requires "good and sufficient reason" to carry in church.

-------------------------------------

February 14, 2010 - Richmond, California - Three hooded men
walk into Gethsemane Church of God in Christ and opened
fire and then fled the scene, as the singing of the choir
was replaced by frightened screams. The two victims, a 14-
year-old boy and a 19-year-old man, were hospitalized.

March 8, 2009 - Maryville, Illinois - Suspect Terry Joe
Sedlacek, 27, of Troy, walks into the First Baptist Church,
and shoots pastor Fred Winters dead, point blank. Several
church members are injured by a knife in the struggle to
capture after the attack, The suspect also had stabbed
himself, but survived, when his gun jams.

July 27, 2008 - Knoxville, Tennessee - A gunman opens fire
in a church during a youth performance, killing two people
and injuring seven.

Dec. 9, 2007 - Colorado - Three people are killed and five
wounded in two shooting rampages, one at a missionary
school in suburban Denver and one at a church in Colorado
Springs. The gunman in the second incident is killed by a
guard.

May 20, 2007 - Moscow, Idaho - A standoff between police
and a suspect in the shootings of three people in a
Presbyterian Church ended with three dead, including one
police officer.

Aug. 12, 2007 - Neosho, Missouri - First Congregational
Church - 3 killed - Eiken Elam Saimon shot and killed the
pastor and two deacons and wounded five others.

May 21, 2006 - Baton Rouge, Louisiana - The Ministry of
Jesus Christ Church - 4 killed - The four at the church who
were shot were members of Erica Bell's family; she was
abducted and murdered elsewhere; Bell's mother, church
pastor Claudia Brown, was seriously wounded - Anthony Bell,
25, was the shooter.

Feb. 26, 2006 - Detroit, Michigan - Zion Hope Missionary
Baptist Church - 2 killed + shooter - Kevin L. Collins, who
reportedly went to the church looking for his girlfriend,
later killed himself.

April 9, 2005 - College Park, Georgia - A 27-year-old
airman died after being shot at a church, where he had once
worked as a security guard.

March 12, 2005 - Brookfield, Wisconsin - Living Church of
God - 7 killed + shooter - Terry Ratzmann opened fire on
the congregation, killing seven and wounding four before
taking his own life.

July 30, 2005 - College Park, Georgia - World Changers
Church International - shooter killed - Air Force Staff
Sgt. John Givens was shot five times by a police officer
after charging the officer, following violent behavior.

Dec. 17, 2004, Garden Grove, Calif.: A veteran musician at
the Crystal Cathedral shoots himself to death after a nine
-hour standoff.

Oct. 5, 2003 - Atlanta, Georgia - Turner Monumental AME
Church - 2 killed + shooter - Shelia Wilson walked into the
church while preparations are being made for service and
shot the pastor, her mother and then herself.

June 10, 2002 - Conception, Missouri - Benedictine
monastery - 2 killed + shooter - Lloyd Robert Jeffress shot
four monks in the monastery killing two and wounding two,
before killing himself.

March 12, 2002 - Lynbrook, New York - Our Lady of Peace
Catholic Church - 2 killed - Peter Troy, a former mental
patient, opens fire during Mass, killing the priest and a
parishioner. He later receives a life sentence.

May 18, 2001 - Hopkinsville, Kentucky - Greater Oak
Missionary Baptist Church - 2 killed - Frederick Radford
stood up in the middle of a revival service and began
shooting at his estranged wife, Nicole Radford, killing her
and a woman trying to help her.

Sept. 15, 1999 - Fort Worth, Texas - Wedgewood Baptist
Church - 7 killed + shooter - Larry Gene Ashbrook shot dead
seven people and injured a further seven at a concert by
Christian rock group Forty Days in Fort Worth, Texas before
killing himself.

April 15, 1999 - Salt Lake City, Utah - LDS Church Family
History Library - 2 killed + shooter - Sergei Babarin, 70,
with a history of mental illness, entered the library,
killed two people and wounded four others before he was
gunned down by police.

[Oldgringo]

Get braced, it may be new wife time?

[jimlongley]

Having been blessed with two wives in my life who, between the two of them, have bought me more guns than I ever have for myself, I consider myself very lucky. Don't change wives, change the wife's mind.

Wife number one was a single mom when I met her and once told me that between all of the other things involved in single motherhood, she never really had much of a chance to consider gun issues other than superficially. Within a year of our marriage she was shooting on a rifle team with me, and eventually so did her kids, and later our son too. It wasn't hard to "convert" her because she just never gave it that much consideration either way, and with some of the life lessons she had, I have no doubt that carrying anywhere would not have bothered her in the least. Unfortunately I have to speak for her based on my own memories of her, because she passed away 18+ years ago.

Wife number two was also a single mom with similar struggles and issues, but she lived in an inner city neighborhood where shootings between gangs and druggies were not uncommon, and with propaganda and such, and a bullet hole in her bathroom window, she had formed some very anti gun opinions. The first time she came to my home, not without some trepidation I might add, as it had been my first wife's and my "dream home," she saw my gun cabinet and told me that she was not sure she could live in a house with guns. With patience and persistence I broke down her resistance, isolated and eliminated her objections, and she has, for years, had her CHL and were it not for her job at a school district, would carry much more often.

It has never bothered her that I carry at church, and it was she that pointed out that I had carried my BUG in my pocket the day I was baptized, before I went in the horse trough. We attend Narrow Trail Cowboy Church and its location has a slight tendency to encourage the occasional seedy walk in customer. A couple of years back this one scruffy specimen came wandering in during service and we welcomed him, per our usual demeanor, but after the service ended and he started panhandling the crowd, my wife's first comment was; "I hope you have your gun." There are those who would accuse us of not being very "Christian" with that attitude, but my belief is that Christ himself would approve of caution and preparedness when faced with a possible Philistine in our midst.

And I am pretty sure Jeanne Assam would agree.

Patience and persistence, patience and persistence.

[The Annoyed Man]

Today we hit a wall when I started to head out to church with my gun in my holster. She really threw a fit...she didn't see any need to be armed in the house of the Lord.

Blind Ref,

Again, meaning absolutely no disrespect, but I was just now reading your opening post to my wife, and my response to you posted earlier, just to see what she thought. When I got to the part of your opening post that I've quoted here, she started laughing......not at you or your wife personally, but at the idea that, with all the history of church killings in the past couple of decades, there are still people today who don't see the potential value in being armed at church, and that there are still Christian believers who think that guns in and of themselves are an offense to God.

[kjolly]

My wife is scared of guns but is comforted byt he fact that she knows I am carrying and can protect her.
I have taken tiny steps to help her get over her fears without seemingly pushing my agenda that I'm not there all of the time and she needs to know how to shoot.
She is scared to hols a gun. Once she said she would start shooting if I got her a pellet gun. She has never touched it.
Last week I got a new gun in and I usualy go to steps to keep guns out of her sight. She asked where it was and I inquired if she would like to see it. She did and when I brought the gun in the room after confirming it was unloaded and with one of the best trigger locks I have ever seen, she actually picked it up and played with the balance. Will she eventualy let me inroll her in a womens only shooting class. Time and patience without pushing will only tell.

[Oldgringo]

Well said, JimLongley.

I, too, have had two good wifes. After the accidental death of our youngest son in 1981, the wheels fell off of our 20 year marriage and she wanted to be free. I recognized sadly that it was over and wished her happiness two years later.

Wife number two (27 years) is my traveling, camping, fishing, shooting best friend and yes, she and I got our CHL's together. She is still asleep in our little RV here on the side of Flathead Lake in NW Montana where we are Camp Hosts again this summer. She's my meet and greet, toilet cleaning, trash hauling buddy.

As someone once said, "it ain't over until the fat lady sings"; however, when it's over, it is over. There is no sense in prolonging the mutual agony.

Best wishes to all.