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How are you today?
Well, when I woke up, I was next to perfect.

Yeah? You were "next to perfect" earlier, but not now?
Nah, I got up, but she's still in bed.

Gertrude's car was pelted in a driving hailstorm one night, resulting in hundreds of dents. The next day she visits a body shop to get it fixed. The repairman figures he'll have a little fun with her and tells Gertrude all she has to do is blow into the exhaust pipe really hard and the dents will pop out.
Gertrude goes home and blows furiously into the tailpipe. When her roommate asks what Gertrude's doing, she explains what the repairman advised her to do. "But it doesn't work," she says.
"Hellooo," says her roommate. "You gotta roll up the windows first."


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral

A state trooper pulled us over for speeding on a deserted road in southern Utah. The road was empty, and he was almost apologetic about writing the ticket. He even complimented us for wearing our seat belts.
At that point, my wife leaned over and said, "Well, officer, when you drive the speeds we do, you've got to wear them."






Patient: I can't be cured? That's horrible! How much time do I have,Doc?
Doctor: Ten...
Patient: Ten years? Ten months? What?!?!
Doctor: Nine ......eight...

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I need help.
Dentist: What's the problem?
P: I think I'm a moth.
D: You don't need a Podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist.
P: Yes, I know.
D: So why did you come in here?
P: The light was on.

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing other than go out to get the morning paper and look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Duck walks into a hardware store asks "got any Whiskey for sale?
Store owner says "Whiskey? no, this is a hardware store, we don't sell Whiskey"
Next day
Duck walks into a hardware store asks "got any Whiskey for sale?
Store owner says "Whiskey? no, this is a hardware store, we don't sell Whiskey"
Next day
Duck walks into a hardware store asks "got any Whiskey for sale?
Store owner says "Whiskey? no, this is a hardware store, we don't sell Whiskey"

Next day
Duck walks into a hardware store asks "got any Whiskey for sale?
Store owner says " YOU ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME. I"LL NAIL THOSE WEBBED FEET OF YOURS TO THE FLOOR"

Next day
Zebra walks into a hardware store buys all the nails
Duck walks into a hardware store asks "got any nails?
Store owner says "Nope, just sold them all to the zebra"
Duck asks "got any Whiskey for sale?

Now for the NEWS:
The local drive-in movie theater reports that someone made a hole in their fence. Police are looking into it.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

The Annoyed Man wrote:

RPB wrote:I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

You are so fired. Pack your things.

The word scrambler game got my brain on "word overdrive" today

I think I did almost 8 pages mostly by myself (never played it before, kinda hogged it, sorry)
viewtopic.php?f=83&t=39831&start=300#p488474" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Still, I like the rubber band pistol in algebra class ... "weapon of math disruption"

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

Here's a "triple"

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at Will!"

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd just dye.

Dragonfighter wrote:Okay, groan warning.

What do you call a dog without legs?
It doesn't matter, he's not coming anyway.

now you did it ... legs jokes ...


Ok, the professor starts the science experiment using a frog.

He hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 38 inches.

Professor amputates one leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 34 inches.

Professor amputates one more leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 20 inches.


Professor amputates one more leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 12 inches.


Professor amputates the last leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog does not jump.

AGAIN he hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog does not jump.

Professor writes down:

Conclusion: Frogs can't hear as well with fewer legs, and with no legs, they are completely deaf.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.