It's called "tough love". Good Job!snatchel wrote:I'm truly sorry about your situation, I'm no parent but it's not hard to imagine the stress and heartache that it causes you. I have been in a situation like this in regard to my 19 (was 17) year old brother. We will call him Taylor.
When I was in the military, he was in his early teens. By the time I separated he had been to jail twice, lost his license, moved out twice, assaulted my father, was smoking pot, drinking excessively, taking pills, etc. Basically, your worst nightmare and frighteningly like your son.
When I separated and moved back here to Tx to go back to school, my parents approached me about trying to help. They thought that maybe one of the reasons he went astray is because I left for the military, and he didn't have any positive big brother influence. This could have been a contributing cause, but there are too many "only children" out there who turned out fine, not to mention older siblings who didn't have older brothers, etc. Anyway, my parents asked me if I would consider letting Taylor move in with me and see if I would have any effect on him. My wife and I are good people (or I would like to think so). We go to mass every week, we participate in community functions, we don't party. After a lot of discussion and prayer, my wife and I agreed to let Taylor move in with us, provided he signed a contract. Taylor was excited just to be out of the house and my parents direct control, so he sat down with us and went over the contract. I won't go into detail in what the contract consisted of but PM me if you are interested.
The first couple of months were rough, but he eventually came around. I had a strict drug/alcohol/curfew policy in my home. Home by 9, and He could not bring friends over. He had to pay rent (only $200), but that kept him employed. We gave him 3 strikes before we would kick him out. He tested the water the first week when he came home drunk. I confronted him, took away his key, and this led to a physical confrontation. I dealt with it as only a big brother can. He now had no key to the house, and was 1 strike down. He also never got physical again.
A few months later .. maybe month 3, I was out running errands and saw him with a crew of his friends. I knew the kids, knew they were trouble, and approached him. We argued, and I told him to be home within the hour. None of his friends had a car, they were all in his.. so I let the air out of 2 of his tires. He walked home, but made it within the hour time frame. Two strikes. I sat him down with the contract that evening and we discussed his situation. Only 3 months in, and he already had 2 strikes. I praised him for the things he was doing right-- got a raise at work, was passing his drug tests (I ordered several and would test him randomly), and got his GPA back up to a 3.4. But I told him that we would not default on the contract, and he only had one strike left.
It has been 2 years since he moved in with us. He still has rough patches, and we still have disagreements... but he is doing remarkable well. He has graduated, and is a freshman in college. We carpool to school together. He eats dinner with Ana and I every night after he gets off work. He has his key to the house back, and I still enforce a midnight curfew. My house, my rules.
The rent he payed us accumulated, but my wife and I never spent it. We stuck it in a savings account under his name, and he now has almost $10,000 saved. We told him about it a few months ago and told him we would let him use it for school in emergencies. His scholarship pays almost all of his tuition, and his job covers the rest.. so he told us to let him know when it got up to 15 grand so that he could use it to pay for a new car for mom.. this showed me that he really has changed for the better. He wrecked mom's car when he was drunk at 17 years old... He never even apologized.
So what is the moral of my story? Maybe he just needs someone closer to his age that can be a positive influence. Put an add in the paper. Contact the boys & girls club. Ask a cousin, or whatever you have to try. Just my 2 cents :) I hope it helps in some way, even if only to give you hope.
Well said!