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I was just reading parts of this thread to my wife, so she could get a feel for the discussion. We both have a very soft spot for young boys about to become men. Our own son who is just shy of 22 moved out of the house last January.

My wife told me that she saw a documentary a while back about child development. In this documentary, the claim was made that a child's frontal lobes of the brain are not yet fully developed by age 17. This was not stated as a joke, but as a fact. In other words, just because your child might look like an adult, he or she might literally not yet have the mental processing power to act like one.

Although we have butted heads with our son over some things since he moved out, he did not give us that much trouble growing up. He was a "good boy." He never even tried smoking pot. He once told me that the first person who tries to offer him drugs is going to get his teeth knocked out. (My son is a pretty big strong boy....6' and about 240, big shoulders and strong like an ox.) He does not like the taste of alcohol. He doesn't smoke. He treats all females with respect....even those of whose behavior he disapproves. He vowed as a preteen to abstain from sex until marrage. He did a lot of things right, and only a few things wrong.

Our biggest problem with him growing up was grades. He has a stubborn streak a mile wide and just as deep, and we had a lot of heartache over his academic career until we moved here to Texas. He became a straight A student after that....but that's another story.

He moved out of our house last January, and we have bumped heads with him over a some of the choices he has made which go against everything we believe in, or raised him to believe in. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that he is being just as stubborn about these issues as he was about doing his homework back in California.....and he is just as wrong about it. He even agrees that it's wrong, but he's not going to change it.

What's worse, for me anyway, is that I am having to also learn how to let go of my son. My role has changed from that of directing his life, to that of just trying to be a positive influence on it; and I have to learn how to do that while still keeping the lines of communication open and not alienating him. This is a very hard thing for me to do. It would have been much easier if I was in agreement with his choices. But, he's nearly 22, and that part of my role in his life is over. We have been extremely close as father and son for his entire life, and this part of the process has been most painful for me—more painful than the arguments over homework ever were.

If you've got a problem kid who wants to come home, get on your knees and thank God for giving you another opportunity to try and help your son settle down and start doing right—something over which you had NO control while he was living away from home. Also, and don't take this as an attack, but be willing to admit that you may need to work on your parenting skills. The Good Lord knows I have needed to work on mine occasionally. None of us is perfect—particularly at parenting, which can be a tough and demanding job.

Accept that you also may need to make changes in your own behavior if you want to influence your son. MODEL what you want from him, knowing that this may require some sacrifice from you. All good parenting has at least a small element of the self-sacrificial in it. If he has a problem with alcohol, maybe you should stop drinking while he's living at home, and don't keep alcohol in the home. By keeping alcohol out of the house, you remove a temptation, AND you remove an opportunity for him to fail at something. Do like snatchel did with his kid brother. Make a contract with him. Don't just try to squash his negative behaviors, but also try to give him opportunities to succeed and rewards for his success. If he's 17 years old, you don't have very much time left to positively direct his life. Take the chance while you still can. This is your son. You may hate yourself later for not having manned up to the task while you still had the chance. This is an opportunity to avoid that. AND, realize that no matter what you do, his behavior will not change overnight. Even the best possible outcome will take an investment of time which could stretch into months. Be patient.

All of those things are going to model to him the man you want him to become. If you can't or won't model that to him, then he will become the man that others model to him, and those others are not going to have the goal of producing a good citizen as their motivation.