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Typically they are just your average panhandling crustacean and all they want is to ask for a handout. Just blade towards them and loudly say “No, do not approach any closer�. But some have been known to be high on shrimp juice, and in that highly excited state they can be unpredictable. If you find yourself confronted by one high on shrimp, try to deescalate the situation first, but be prepared to go to guns if required.

Be aware there appears to be a splinter group of crabs that call themselves Crustaceans Against Red Lobster (C.A.R.L). This is a very dangerous terrorist group and should not be taken lightly.

In 1997 a group from CARL stole a truck, packed it with explosives, and drove it into the corporate headquarters for Red Lobster. Fortunately, the perpetrators were so high on shrimp extract, they forgot to set the detonators. They were all captured, tried, convicted, and eaten, but in the process became martyrs in the movement.

There are unconfirmed reports of increased CARL membership in Texas. It’s believed it’s ranks have swelled in recent months with it’s promises all martyrs will be King Crabs in the afterlife and will have thousands of hermit crabs to tend to there every whim.

If you see suspicious crab activity, and suspect CARL, call local law enforcement immediately. To be sure there is no confusion and to allow timely LEO response, state clearly “I have a case of the crabs and need assistance�, this should get the proper response from the 911 operator and insure your call goes to the proper authorities.

And remember, CARL members tend to travel in packs, so watch your six…