17yo moved out

[snatchel]

I'm truly sorry about your situation, I'm no parent but it's not hard to imagine the stress and heartache that it causes you. I have been in a situation like this in regard to my 19 (was 17) year old brother. We will call him Taylor.

When I was in the military, he was in his early teens. By the time I separated he had been to jail twice, lost his license, moved out twice, assaulted my father, was smoking pot, drinking excessively, taking pills, etc. Basically, your worst nightmare and frighteningly like your son.

When I separated and moved back here to Tx to go back to school, my parents approached me about trying to help. They thought that maybe one of the reasons he went astray is because I left for the military, and he didn't have any positive big brother influence. This could have been a contributing cause, but there are too many "only children" out there who turned out fine, not to mention older siblings who didn't have older brothers, etc. Anyway, my parents asked me if I would consider letting Taylor move in with me and see if I would have any effect on him. My wife and I are good people (or I would like to think so). We go to mass every week, we participate in community functions, we don't party. After a lot of discussion and prayer, my wife and I agreed to let Taylor move in with us, provided he signed a contract. Taylor was excited just to be out of the house and my parents direct control, so he sat down with us and went over the contract. I won't go into detail in what the contract consisted of but PM me if you are interested.

The first couple of months were rough, but he eventually came around. I had a strict drug/alcohol/curfew policy in my home. Home by 9, and He could not bring friends over. He had to pay rent (only $200), but that kept him employed. We gave him 3 strikes before we would kick him out. He tested the water the first week when he came home drunk. I confronted him, took away his key, and this led to a physical confrontation. I dealt with it as only a big brother can. He now had no key to the house, and was 1 strike down. He also never got physical again.

A few months later .. maybe month 3, I was out running errands and saw him with a crew of his friends. I knew the kids, knew they were trouble, and approached him. We argued, and I told him to be home within the hour. None of his friends had a car, they were all in his.. so I let the air out of 2 of his tires. He walked home, but made it within the hour time frame. Two strikes. I sat him down with the contract that evening and we discussed his situation. Only 3 months in, and he already had 2 strikes. I praised him for the things he was doing right-- got a raise at work, was passing his drug tests (I ordered several and would test him randomly), and got his GPA back up to a 3.4. But I told him that we would not default on the contract, and he only had one strike left.

It has been 2 years since he moved in with us. He still has rough patches, and we still have disagreements... but he is doing remarkable well. He has graduated, and is a freshman in college. We carpool to school together. He eats dinner with Ana and I every night after he gets off work. He has his key to the house back, and I still enforce a midnight curfew. My house, my rules.

The rent he payed us accumulated, but my wife and I never spent it. We stuck it in a savings account under his name, and he now has almost $10,000 saved. We told him about it a few months ago and told him we would let him use it for school in emergencies. His scholarship pays almost all of his tuition, and his job covers the rest.. so he told us to let him know when it got up to 15 grand so that he could use it to pay for a new car for mom.. this showed me that he really has changed for the better. He wrecked mom's car when he was drunk at 17 years old... He never even apologized.

So what is the moral of my story? Maybe he just needs someone closer to his age that can be a positive influence. Put an add in the paper. Contact the boys & girls club. Ask a cousin, or whatever you have to try. Just my 2 cents :) I hope it helps in some way, even if only to give you hope.

[speedsix]

...the Good Book says "...there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother..."

...that'd take some doing ....if the brother was you...I salute you, Sir...may you have many sons to grow to be like you...

[snatchel]

I can't say I did it for God or anyone else... I did it for him. He needed help. He just needed it in a different approach. I can't say it was a HUGE undertaking and I sacrificed a lot.. so don't salute me :) I simplified the whole thing in a contract to make it a convenient process for me, and a challenging reality check for him!

And he is my little brother. I would do anything in the world for anyone of my family or friends, and I'm sure most of you would do the same thing. If you are willing to sacrifice your life in defense of a 3rd person, you would be willing to suffer through a few months for kinfolk..

[RHenriksen]

I'm truly sorry about your situation, I'm no parent but it's not hard to imagine the stress and heartache that it causes you. I have been in a situation like this in regard to my 19 (was 17) year old brother. We will call him Taylor.

That is a beautiful, heartwarming story. Taylor (as well as your parents!) is so lucky to have you & your wife in his life. And you're right - some things it's easier for a brother to do, than a parent.

[Oldgringo]

I'm truly sorry about your situation, I'm no parent but it's not hard to imagine the stress and heartache that it causes you. I have been in a situation like this in regard to my 19 (was 17) year old brother. We will call him Taylor.

When I was in the military, he was in his early teens. By the time I separated he had been to jail twice, lost his license, moved out twice, assaulted my father, was smoking pot, drinking excessively, taking pills, etc. Basically, your worst nightmare and frighteningly like your son.

When I separated and moved back here to Tx to go back to school, my parents approached me about trying to help. They thought that maybe one of the reasons he went astray is because I left for the military, and he didn't have any positive big brother influence. This could have been a contributing cause, but there are too many "only children" out there who turned out fine, not to mention older siblings who didn't have older brothers, etc. Anyway, my parents asked me if I would consider letting Taylor move in with me and see if I would have any effect on him. My wife and I are good people (or I would like to think so). We go to mass every week, we participate in community functions, we don't party. After a lot of discussion and prayer, my wife and I agreed to let Taylor move in with us, provided he signed a contract. Taylor was excited just to be out of the house and my parents direct control, so he sat down with us and went over the contract. I won't go into detail in what the contract consisted of but PM me if you are interested.

The first couple of months were rough, but he eventually came around. I had a strict drug/alcohol/curfew policy in my home. Home by 9, and He could not bring friends over. He had to pay rent (only $200), but that kept him employed. We gave him 3 strikes before we would kick him out. He tested the water the first week when he came home drunk. I confronted him, took away his key, and this led to a physical confrontation. I dealt with it as only a big brother can. He now had no key to the house, and was 1 strike down. He also never got physical again.

A few months later .. maybe month 3, I was out running errands and saw him with a crew of his friends. I knew the kids, knew they were trouble, and approached him. We argued, and I told him to be home within the hour. None of his friends had a car, they were all in his.. so I let the air out of 2 of his tires. He walked home, but made it within the hour time frame. Two strikes. I sat him down with the contract that evening and we discussed his situation. Only 3 months in, and he already had 2 strikes. I praised him for the things he was doing right-- got a raise at work, was passing his drug tests (I ordered several and would test him randomly), and got his GPA back up to a 3.4. But I told him that we would not default on the contract, and he only had one strike left.

It has been 2 years since he moved in with us. He still has rough patches, and we still have disagreements... but he is doing remarkable well. He has graduated, and is a freshman in college. We carpool to school together. He eats dinner with Ana and I every night after he gets off work. He has his key to the house back, and I still enforce a midnight curfew. My house, my rules.

The rent he payed us accumulated, but my wife and I never spent it. We stuck it in a savings account under his name, and he now has almost $10,000 saved. We told him about it a few months ago and told him we would let him use it for school in emergencies. His scholarship pays almost all of his tuition, and his job covers the rest.. so he told us to let him know when it got up to 15 grand so that he could use it to pay for a new car for mom.. this showed me that he really has changed for the better. He wrecked mom's car when he was drunk at 17 years old... He never even apologized.

So what is the moral of my story? Maybe he just needs someone closer to his age that can be a positive influence. Put an add in the paper. Contact the boys & girls club. Ask a cousin, or whatever you have to try. Just my 2 cents :) I hope it helps in some way, even if only to give you hope.

It's called "tough love". Good Job!

[SewTexas]

suthdj,

I will be praying for your situation, you are in a very difficult place.

Something I'm wondering....would it be possible for him to go to a grandparent or other relative, maybe someone close by so you can still work with him? You do need to be able to bring your wife and 3yr old home.

[chuckybrown]

I've experienced this personally. It's very tough.

I did everything I could.

I talked to him last night, via a collect call from prison.

*sigh*

[E.Marquez]

Sometimes perspective is everything...
My wife wrote me last night.. our youngest son, recent HS grad, recent new worker in the real workplace, borrowed her truck to go riding with friends, brought it back on half a tank, and left it muddy... Did not help clean the kitchen after dinner... went to work this morning and forgot to take the garbage out to the curb............Perspective is everything.. My son is 7,856 miles away.......after reading this thread, I really want to give him a hug, tell him to go clean his room, and see if he wants to take a couple of the bikes and ride to Austin and go look at new bikes......then have him wash his moms truck, and go fill the tank..but the email I got this morning said he had already done that, and said he was sorry to his mom for being lazy yesterday,,, was just beat after riding all day...and fell asleep after dinner..Perspective is everything...
I don't have it so bad with my boy after putting it in perspective.

To the OP, sorry for your trouble, no words of wisdom come to me, as I have never dealt with issues like you are now. The only thing that comes to mind is take care of your wife and youngest and never quit.... though for you,, the never quit may be more towards doing what is right for the wife and you. At 18, say good bye to the son, show him the door, and say he is welcome back to the family, but never to the house if things in his life change for the better.
I don't know how I would do that personally with my two sons, but perhaps that is just because when put in prospective they have been nothing but normal kids pushing limits growing, but never really trouble. Other then that time last deployment my Mustang jumped out of the drive way and hit a tree......
Best of luck to you and your son.

[The Annoyed Man]

I was just reading parts of this thread to my wife, so she could get a feel for the discussion. We both have a very soft spot for young boys about to become men. Our own son who is just shy of 22 moved out of the house last January.

My wife told me that she saw a documentary a while back about child development. In this documentary, the claim was made that a child's frontal lobes of the brain are not yet fully developed by age 17. This was not stated as a joke, but as a fact. In other words, just because your child might look like an adult, he or she might literally not yet have the mental processing power to act like one.

Although we have butted heads with our son over some things since he moved out, he did not give us that much trouble growing up. He was a "good boy." He never even tried smoking pot. He once told me that the first person who tries to offer him drugs is going to get his teeth knocked out. (My son is a pretty big strong boy....6' and about 240, big shoulders and strong like an ox.) He does not like the taste of alcohol. He doesn't smoke. He treats all females with respect....even those of whose behavior he disapproves. He vowed as a preteen to abstain from sex until marrage. He did a lot of things right, and only a few things wrong.

Our biggest problem with him growing up was grades. He has a stubborn streak a mile wide and just as deep, and we had a lot of heartache over his academic career until we moved here to Texas. He became a straight A student after that....but that's another story.

He moved out of our house last January, and we have bumped heads with him over a some of the choices he has made which go against everything we believe in, or raised him to believe in. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that he is being just as stubborn about these issues as he was about doing his homework back in California.....and he is just as wrong about it. He even agrees that it's wrong, but he's not going to change it.

What's worse, for me anyway, is that I am having to also learn how to let go of my son. My role has changed from that of directing his life, to that of just trying to be a positive influence on it; and I have to learn how to do that while still keeping the lines of communication open and not alienating him. This is a very hard thing for me to do. It would have been much easier if I was in agreement with his choices. But, he's nearly 22, and that part of my role in his life is over. We have been extremely close as father and son for his entire life, and this part of the process has been most painful for me—more painful than the arguments over homework ever were.

If you've got a problem kid who wants to come home, get on your knees and thank God for giving you another opportunity to try and help your son settle down and start doing right—something over which you had NO control while he was living away from home. Also, and don't take this as an attack, but be willing to admit that you may need to work on your parenting skills. The Good Lord knows I have needed to work on mine occasionally. None of us is perfect—particularly at parenting, which can be a tough and demanding job.

Accept that you also may need to make changes in your own behavior if you want to influence your son. MODEL what you want from him, knowing that this may require some sacrifice from you. All good parenting has at least a small element of the self-sacrificial in it. If he has a problem with alcohol, maybe you should stop drinking while he's living at home, and don't keep alcohol in the home. By keeping alcohol out of the house, you remove a temptation, AND you remove an opportunity for him to fail at something. Do like snatchel did with his kid brother. Make a contract with him. Don't just try to squash his negative behaviors, but also try to give him opportunities to succeed and rewards for his success. If he's 17 years old, you don't have very much time left to positively direct his life. Take the chance while you still can. This is your son. You may hate yourself later for not having manned up to the task while you still had the chance. This is an opportunity to avoid that. AND, realize that no matter what you do, his behavior will not change overnight. Even the best possible outcome will take an investment of time which could stretch into months. Be patient.

All of those things are going to model to him the man you want him to become. If you can't or won't model that to him, then he will become the man that others model to him, and those others are not going to have the goal of producing a good citizen as their motivation.

[RockingRook]

My son, all through his teen years and beyond was nothing but trouble. I had him arrested twice as a teenager.
He dropped out of HS not long after he failed "SHOP". No one ever fails shop but he did.

To make a long story short!! I threw him out at 18.

He got married and that lasted 2 years and then he was on his own again. He went back to HS and earned a GED.

He took a job with an electrical company at minimum wage . He OJTd and a few years later got his Journeyman Electrician license.

He married again!! His son was born 7 years ago followed by a daughter a year later.

He earned his Master Electrician license and now is a project manager making a 6 figure salary. Better still our relationship
has finally bonded and we have been going hunting every year for the past 10 years.

He is doing well!!

All I can say is don't give up there is still hope for both him and you but at the same time do not give in and let him find
his way or drown.

Chuck