Advice: Wife won't carry

[g31357]

I've talked to my wife many times about self defense and trying to learn to shoot and carry a CHL. She was traumatized by her first experience at a gun range and never wants to go back. Although she's actually been involved in a bank robbery where she was on the floor while robbers took money, she doesn't seem to be as paranoid as me when it comes to these type of events happening. I realized awhile ago that forcing the issue might not be the best idea if she's not motivated and will just result in her forgetting how to use it when/if the time comes. So I bought her pepper spray to carry around, after a few months she misplaced it and it never came up again until I asked her where she keeps it. So I got her another pepper spray and again, it was misplaced and she never carried it nor was bothered by the fact it was missing.

So my question is, what should I do? Should I just keep re-enforcing the important of self defense and keep buying her pepper spray bottles only for her to forget about it and lose it time and time again? She's not completely oblivious to the dangers out there, she is aware of her surroundings and doesn't go to high risk places at high risk time of day, but carrying any kind of self defense seems to be something she is not motivated to do.

[CHLLady]

Wow, so she's had a traumatic event and still doesn't want to carry. I think you are doing all you can. It's not for every woman. There are some who just do not want to. It is a huge responsibility.

I'd bring up current events that concern you, especially local events. I live in a small town. When the paper comes out, I review the sheriff report to see what has been happening in our specific area. I will mapquest the streets to see how far they are from us. Hubby gets complacent about locking things sometimes, so I use the reports to remind him crime still comes our way. If you have kids, that's a very good incentive also. One summer, we had a peeping Tom caught that had a record of indecency.

Good luck. It's a tough road you're on.

[SewTexas]

well, I replied to this. but I don't see it.

What happened at the gun range? why did it traumatize her? that might have some bearing on how to handle the situation.

[EEllis]

Yep nag her and keep poking at her. That will work out. Look she gets to make the call about what's right for her. Honestly watching where you go and your surroundings is on average more a benefit than a gun. If you are worried about the house the that is something you can work on. Reinforce doors, safety film windows, get and alarm, etc. Accept her choices and just leave the door open. Maybe get a little 22 pistol, not many things are more enjoyable than plinking with a little 22, but you shouldn't ever be pushing her.

[g31357]

The traumatic experience wasn't really a big deal, just went to a range that didn't allow rapid fire and she did fire a a few rounds in succession and the range officer came running to her yelling. Got on her real good. She doesn't want to go back after that.

[CHLLady]

Another thing I thought of is having her try out an all ladies shooting group. That takes a lot of pressure off and puts her right in with ladies who are safety minded. If she's totally reluctant, pair it up with a free mani pedi IF she tries it out just once.

[Teamless]

1 - if she doesn't want to be yelled at again, get with another forum member who is a member at a private range, and see if they will take you and your wife, so you can have some "alone time" there.
2 - if it is a knowledge issue, which is when some woman don't want to learn from the guy, then this 3rd party can help teach
3 - if she is just simply adamant about not wanting to shoot, there is nothing you can do.
3a - much like if she was a quilter, and you had no aspirations to learn, nothing she can do will make you do this.
4 - in the USA, heck, the world, there are many many many people who walk around unarmed all day long, every day.
4a - they know the risks. They know the news. And they will never believe they will need a gun to defend themselves.
4b - your wife may think, "yep, I was at a bank robbery, but I wasn't hurt. Why do I need a gun. I just need to do what the robbers want"

In the end, don't ruin your marriage forcing the issue. Pick your battles.
Good Luck!

[rbwhatever1]

You sir, are in a pickle. If Children don't spur the natural instinct to protect, good luck with this one.

Edited to add after reading my post: Good Luck with this issue, I was not referring to the wife! I'm sure she's fine! I'll stop here before I have to edit again...

[Keith B]

Every person must decide for themselves what is right for them. Not everyone has the desire to carry. If a person doesn't want to, then trying to force them will do nothing more than push them farther away, similar to the poor range officer incident.

All you can do is look for those opportunities when you can drop little seeds to her and try to slowly bring her interest around. And be ready for the fact that she may never come around. My wife is one of those who likes the fact that I carry and am an instructor, but doesn't want to carry herself. I seriously doubt she ever will.

Bottom line, be sensitive to her wishes, drop the hints when you talk about bad incidents that happen where the person could have defended themselves with a firearm, and you may possibly get her to come around.

[jmra]

Drop the issue completely. Tell her the world is a loving place. Max out her life insurance.

Just kidding. I would however drop the issue and live the example. Let her see you carry everywhere you can carry. Have causal conversations about current events which emphasize the dangers that exist without following up with "this is why you should carry". See if you can get her involved in some type of self-defense training and pitch it as an exercise class.
Become involved in safety programs in your area that will alert her to the dangers around her.
Sign her up for nixle alerts on her cell phone (nixle.com).
Good luck.

[Divided Attention]

Let it be. If it is a sore subject, picking at it is only going to set her heels further and put up more barriers

If she is open to discussion, try Kathy Jackson's book and site - The Cornered Cat. Accept that not everyone can wrap a brain around taking another life, even if that choice might mean no chance to save their own or a loved one. It is HUGE, and harder for women to make the leap than men. This is a great resource for anyone considering deadly force as an option for their self defense, not just women. As mentioned by another - an all ladies group might be a good option, seeing other ladies enjoying and that they are "typical", not Paul Bunyan in a skirt can help. Also, you not being there while she learns might be more comfortable.


Wish you both the best. JMPHO

[suthdj]

Just beat your head against the wall it hurts less. I have been trying to get my wife involved for many years she has gone shooting a couple times I even bought her a .25 and painted it purple for her to no avail, now after 5 + years she says she is afraid because she does not know how when to use. my response is get trained and I leave it at that and will poke at her from time to time. Does she go to the range with you? Mine does as well as my 5yo they sit back and watch the 5yo even has his own cricket .22 he has shot. Make it a family outing or group outing e.g.. one of the times my wife shot was at the 1st forum get2gether at Alpine granted all her shots landed around the groin area, kind of wonder if that was a silent message.

[Jumping Frog]

"A Man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."
Benjamin Franklin

Update the language to be gender appropriate if desired, but that is still the truth.

I simply had to relax, live my life, be a good example to my wife (and kids), and she has gradually changed over the years.

[SewTexas]

The traumatic experience wasn't really a big deal, just went to a range that didn't allow rapid fire and she did fire a a few rounds in succession and the range officer came running to her yelling. Got on her real good. She doesn't want to go back after that.

agree with her that the range officer should not have yelled at her and offer to find her a different place to shoot. DON'T tell her it wasn't a big deal. It probably doesn't have anything to do with shooting, and honestly it might or might not have anything to do with anything she's aware of, being yelled at by the guy could have brought up memories of something else. (Dang, give a guy a bit of power and he's got to yell at ya)

[SewTexas]

I like CHLLady's idea of getting her to shoot with a ladies night. that might work? esp if it's at a different range than the incident with the range officer.

Another idea. Have you ever sat your wife down and talked quietly and lovingly with her about why you carry? ...have you ever thought about why you carry? put it in words here first. Why do you carry around your wife? One of the most loving, romantic things my husband ever said/did for me was to explain to me why he carried. He told me that God had given me to him to protect and he couldn't live with himself if he didn't do everything he could to protect me and our children, there was more, but that's the basics. Because of what he said I eventually realized that I needed to carry in order to protect our children, and to protect him, too. Notice, I said eventually, I'm one who carries all the time, but I didn't always, we all started sometime.