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If she does well with your colt commander....what about a 1911 paterrn in 9mm?
You haven't mentioned what your budget is. If you can spend a little extra, and the recoil is the issue, what about a pistol that's been ported?

I have really small hands. My problem isn't getting a solid grip, but manipulating the slide release or mag release. That goes for most handguns, except pocket pistols. I just had to give up and went to a full size 1911.